The availability of lysergic acid diethylamide has dropped 90 percent, and right-brained students across campus are becoming desperate. Professor Emeritus of Toxicology Marcus Johnston was arrested one week ago for the manufacture of the drug in the shed behind his house.
Among the most severely affected by this shortage are students of Philosophy and English, who now have even less of an idea as to what to do with their lives.
“It’s awful,” graduate student of Philosophy Michael Brown said. “I literally have no idea if I exist anymore. It’s all one colossal illusion, I’m pretty sure.”
“I can no longer fathom anything that’s in all these fucking books,” senior English major Adam Kane said. “Ulysses used to be so, like, mind-blowing, but the more I keep reading now, the more I keep noticing that my life has been a complete waste.”
The University of Missouri Police Department, in a press release, seemed to be quite proud of their accomplishment.
“We no longer have a drug problem on our hands,” Chief of Police at the University of Missouri James Warburton said. “Well, except for all the other ones—Greektown still needs work. But at least no one has to put up with all those artsy-fartsy, high-horsey students who think they’re Aristotle.”
Brown, in an attempt to refute the Chief’s statements, insisted that chain smoking cartons of Newports and whatever he can scrape off of the ground just doesn’t cut it.
Brown and Kane have joined forces, along with other confused students, and turned their attention to early seasons of the hit AMC show Breaking Bad, hoping to successfully emulate the recipe for pure, crystal blue, high-quality methamphetamine produced on the show by Walter White, played by Bryan Cranston.
“We know meth isn’t anything like acid,” Kane said, “but at this point, selling it is definitely the best idea either of us have ever had. It beats being a barista, that’s for sure.”
Professors from the English and Philosophy departments share a debacle similar to their students. They are having increasing difficulty in waiting out their existential crises, hindering their pretending to understand what it is they read.
These professors went on to defend Johnston with their emotional appeals and ethical theories, arguing that his children would no longer be fed adequately without the supplemental income, or without a father.
“Can you imagine what his family is feeling?” Professor of English Allen King inquired, in defense of Johnston. “More importantly, what I’m feeling? Everything is so boring, and I feel like shit all the time now.”
A professor from the Philosophy department, to build upon King’s emotional appeal, argued that the arrest was morally indefensible.
“I’ve lost the will to live, pretty much,” Professor of Philosophy Matthew Richter said.
The University of Missouri Police Department decided it would just be easier to forget about this whole ordeal because they’re busy and have shit to do.
