When sheriff’s deputies allegedly discovered a bags of marijuana and cocaine
between a man’s buttocks, they said he gave a quick explanation. Manatee County
deputies said Raymond Stanley Roberts told them “The white stuff is not
mine, but the weed is.”

Deputies stopped the
25-year-old Wednesday in Bradenton for speeding. Officers said they smelled
marijuana and searched him. That’s when they allegedly found a bag of marijuana
between Roberts’ buttocks.

Officers then
discovered another bag in there; the report said it contained 27 pieces of rock

The Bradenton Herald
reported Roberts was arrested for drug possession and has bonded out of jail.
The person who answered Friday at a phone number listed for Roberts said it
wasn’t his.

Classic. I remember the last time I pulled the, “sorry
officer, but these crack rocks deep in my asshole definitely are mine”
line.  Works like a charm.  The Police really admire honesty.  

Just convince the cops that you’re the victim
here.  It starts by laying the
groundwork.  So just play off that you’re
really baked because of the trauma that just enveloped you last night.  Proceed to invent some cockamamie story about
Ricardo the pool boy who convinced you to play some game called “Tummy Sticks”,
which sounded fun and harmless at the time. 
Before you knew it, you were straight Bro Raped and forced to be a drug
mule.  Boom, you throw on a scared, defenseless
look and wait for his knees to wobble and eyes to tear up.

Now finish it and escape.  Luckily, you escaped the life of a drug mule,
but not before irreparable damage to your self esteem and colon.  Which completely justifies the fully stocked
pharmacy downstairs.  Continue to thank
the nice officer as you step back into your car and then light up a fat doobie
as you speed away in your Ford Pinto.  
Another awkward situation that you are now prepared to dominate. 

Which reminds me, Don’t Smoke

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