The latest in our series of letters from confused, wanna-be
fraternity brothers who, in a desperate attempt to get some clarity, e-mail us
about what they were subjected to and ask if it’s normal.
Dear CuseMyCampus:
Last semester, I did some really weird shit. Like, really
weird. I don’t really want to go into detail, but they made me cover a dead
gerbil in caramel and then insert it into my anus while I wore a nurse uniform.
I hope that’s not too graphic, because it only gets worse.
On the second day, I was forced to shave another guy and
lick whipped cream out of his belly button, while everyone else danced to
“Party in the USA.” Actually, that part wasn’t so bad. I kind of like that
song.
The last straw came on the third day, when I was taking a
bath. These German guys came into my bathroom and threw a ferret into the tub
with me while I was smoking a joint.
Ok, so I made that last one up. Actually, I stole it from “The
Big Lebowski.” But I wasn’t sure if everyone
would understand how awful it was just based on the first two instances.
Needless to say, I can’t go on living in this apartment with
roommates who subject me to this kind of torture. I’m thinking of joining a
frat, just so I can move into a different house. But I’m scared. Are they going
to put me through anything worse than what I went through with my 3 roommates
on Small Road? Please say no”¦
Sincerely,
Terrified and Abused
Well. I don’t think anyone was expecting that story to turn
out how it did”¦
