President Skorton issued a statement regarding the University’s new diversity goals in an e-mail to the entire student body on Wednesday. Skorton and the deans are promising to amp up diversity at Cornell. And by “amp up,” they clearly mean “initiate.”

If you didn’t catch the drift of the President’s statement for a number of reasons (1. You don’t give a shit. 2. The e-mail interrupted your game of Scramble with Friends. 3. You really don’t give a shit. 4. You already are “diverse” and don’t speak English) we’ve recapped some of the key changes the President would like to see. 
By the year 2015, Cornell University vows to:
1) make the slope wheel-chair accessible (Downwards only — bravo)
2) serve curry at all dining halls (Diverse aromas, ok, that one’s not bad)
3) have a campus-wide hermaphrodite awareness week (
4) put Spanish on all signs (Are there any Spanish-speakers to read them? More confusing than diverse)
5) put Mandarin on all library signs (Racist — bravo)
6) sponsor monthly “black parties” (they’re the best parties on campus! still — racist)
7) establish a lesbian sorority (hot but probably not diverse considering we’re lumping them all into one sorority…)
8) welcome illegal aliens (from Outer Space obviously)
9) admit mentally challenged students to the College of Arts and Crafts (that’s gotta be un-PC somehow…)
10) lower the GPA and SAT scores necessary for admission for students from cool places (see #8 — welcome, Martians!)
Cornellians, in general, were super enthusiastic about these plans and found them in no way to be the ravings of an  administration that thinks, like Ron Burgundy, that diversity is an old wooden ship.
“I’m all for it,” said Dan Gleasack ’14, “With more diversity, maybe people will stop making fun of people from Long Island.”
We won’t.