There are plenty of questions that bother Wash U students. We’re a sensitive group. Whether it be confusing Washington University with similarly named state schools, thinking that our athletics are division one or that our social life is hedonistic…it all pisses us off. Here are some of our (least) favorite questions presented to a typical, cynical , frustrated, Wash U student. The interviewer, like most of America, knows nothing of the enigmatic Washington University in Saint Louis.
Q: Hello there! So, just to begin, how do you like Washington State University?
A: Um, excuse me? I actually attend Washington University in Saint Louis, it’s private. It has recently climbed to elite academic status. Everyone here is a fucking genius. You have no idea.
Q: Oh really! If it’s in Saint Louis, just wondering, why is it called Washington University? Should it be in, like, Seattle or DC or something???
A: Are you serious? It’s named after George Washington…one of our Founding Fathers. (Sighs, looks around for approval from peers.)
Q: Oh! So you go to George Washington University?
A: Next question, please.
Q: Ok, well, you said it’s in Saint Louis…that’s Missouri! Wow! Deep south…are there, like, rednecks everywhere?
A: (defensively) NO. Saint Louis is a Midwestern City…like Chicago. Excluding certain neighborhoods, it’s a very intellectual community.
Q: Aren’t D1 sports just amazing??? Do you guys tailgate all the time and party after the football games on SAturdays? I remember my college days…
A: (Weeping…) We’re actually in Division 3. There have been about 3 tailgates in the last 3 years. There are more away fans at every sporting event than home ones. Most schools we play…fuck it. You’ve never heard of them.
Q: Well, sorry to hear that. I see you guys have a budding Greek System! Do you guys totally rage???
A: Let’s see: there’s no hard alcohol allowed at the frats, no beer pong, drinking games, or shots allowed in the dorms, despite it being a wet campus. Plus, probably less than half the campus goes out. Of that half, about half of them hate the Greek organizations.
Q: Ah! Well I see you guys have a big concert every semester that is campus wide! That’s cool!
A: My five word summary of Fall WILD: Mike. Posner.–I. Left. Early.
Q: Hm. You’re not giving me too much to work with here…do you have anything positive to say about your campus life?
A: Whatever, fuck off. I’ve got two hundred pages of reading to do. Plus a chem exam tomorrow. And a 6 page paper due WEdnesday. Plus lab in twenty minutes. And the line at the DUC is too long. Bai.
