You might have noticed Wash U has a very healthy-looking student body. For a school with such lackluster athletic programs (except for our championship-winning cross-country team of course, but let’s be honest, competitive running is like NASCAR with fewer crashes and more team-cest), we tend to stay pretty slim. Plus, in terms of food, we live in luxury not only can you get sushi every day, but we consciously employ an aging Japanese man at the Wash U Wok station to make things feel authentic (as if being Asian makes you better at putting frozen spring rolls in a fryer.) And yet, many students still have a body image problem kids here have less confidence than a Jewish men’s over-forty basketball team. Read on to find out tips on how to stay healthy and lose weight without ever learning where the AC is.

1.Looking to shed a few pounds? Start ordering Crab Rangoon the dish that launched a thousand bowel movements. If you’re trying to lose weight, forget sit-upsI guarantee after eating three of these that everything currently inside of you will find its way out.

2.Walk to class. Let the Circ return to its original purpose of being a portable living room for drunk people. “But listen,” ye art students cry, “if I walk from the 40 to studio, my painting/sculpture/pipe cleaners taped to construction paper will get ruined by the weather!” Let’s face facts, Picassothat inexplicable roof-less structure across from Ursa’s that you’re waiting for the Circ under isn’t doing much in the way of weather-deterrence. Besides, if you truly had the next Mona Lisa wrapped up in that garbage bag under your arm, you probably wouldn’t be double-majoring in marketing “just in case.”

3. Attend any registered frat party. Ladies, whether you’re dressed as a sexy angel, a sexy hippie, or a not-so-sexy 80’s aerobics instructor, registered parties will have you sweating out all the toxins (and moisture in general) from your body. Poor Eskimos who knew that all it took to keep warm in the winter was 400 freshmen crammed into one room?

4. Drink too much. It remains the only (moderately) socially-acceptable way to purge that belly of yours. Optional accessories include making out with that smelly kid in your Politics subsection and crying about a high school romance who has moved on to a better-looking partner. Note: excessive drinking goes great with Tip #1.

5. Go to the Estrogym. “But wait,” ye observant readers cry, “I thought you said we could lose weight without exercising!” Worry not. The Estrogym wasn’t built to be exercised in. Allow me a brief history: during the renovation of the South 40 House a few years back, there were a number of student interest groups who all wanted a piece of the new building. One group lobbied for a student gym. They weren’t successful. But another group was The Coalition of Girls Who Set the Treadmill to 3 Miles Per Hour and Walk While Eating Yogurt and Watching Grey’s Anatomy. So if you don’t mind spandex and listening to The Fray, the Estrogym is the place for you. You might not get fit, but if you dress the part, everyone will think you are.