Writers for Campus Basement are kind of similar to that
Vietnamese prostitute I met while backpacking in Southeast Asia”¦we are
constantly getting pissed on.
“Are you honestly going to continue using my wall as
advertising space?” asks my Grandma.
“Yes Grammy, I am. And you know
what else, I think your crocheting is overrated”¦yeah, I said it!” It’s not even like we’re doing it for the
money. You think we care about the
twenty bucks we make if we get 100 shares.
Christ, with that much money I might be able to buy a pack of used
thumbtacks and that sweatshirt for my dog that says “I like it RUFF!” I mean deep down inside we just want a little
We don’t like to be fucked
with, we’re regular people”¦not that the comments bother me”¦they don’t, I write
half of them. But there comes a point
when people just have to know what we go through. So here it is, a list of the stages that a
campus basement writer endures after finishing his or her respective
The Nervous Proofreading Stage
Hey guys would you mind looking at this? I just need to know if it’s funny. You’re studying for your organic chemistry
exam that you have in two hours? Come
on, how hard can that be? This is
important! You’ll read it? Great! Just let me know what you think! TEN SECONDS LATER: Good? That’s all you have
to say? Seriously? I was looking for some constructive
criticism! How did you even read it that
fast? What are you the Rain Man? You have to go? Okay, thanks for the help! I’m glad you enjoyed it, make sure to share
Hey guys have you checked out my article yet? It’s pretty funny. Seriously though you should read it! Want me to post it on your wall? You don’t?
Oh, you don’t have your computer on you so you can’t read it now? Not to worry here’s my computer! What?
You can’t see? You had an
accident where someone spilled acid in your eyes? Are you Daredevil? Okay, that’s cool just
check it out when you get that fixed.
Remember to like and share it!
I’m gonna go post it on the walls of everyone I’ve ever met”¦I just know
they’ll love it!
Wallowing in Resentment
My article will never be good enough. WHY DID I SHARE IT ON SO MANY PEOPLES
WALLS! How did Kriegman’s article about
Whispers get ten billion shares and I only have 17 and a half? Ugh, my writing must suck. I hope no one shows this to anyone
famous. Oh my god, what if the guys from
home hear about this”¦I’ll never hear the end of it. I’m never gonna get that job at SNL now! Is there a way to take it down? No, oh well,
at least I’m not popular enough for the cool kids to read it.
This stage usually comes slightly after the first comments
are made. It’s the kind of rage you
might have when someone makes a joke about your mom or decides it would be
funny to put Nair on your eyebrows while you’re sleeping so when you wake up
and rub your eyes you end up looking like the main character from the movie Powder(https://goo.gl/iEiz8). My
article has inaccurate information?
Thanks for correcting me asshole.
I’m glad my readers now know that a box of pop tarts costs $3.75 at
Wal-Mart. Good thing this isn’t a
satirical comedy website that has little to no basis in reality”¦Oh wait, it
Some people are going to like my article and some people
aren’t. It’s okay that I only have 50
shares and 37 of them were by me. At
least I know that my family loves me”¦Thanks for the 4 shares guys, that
definitely helped! Am I pathetic? Does it really matter? Do you think some people read these articles,
enjoy them, but never press that share button in the bottom left corner? (hint:
push the share button in the bottom left corner!). I guess mediocre is okay. I’m kind of like the New York Giants of
writing”¦I can take that. Okay I’m gonna
go eat a cake.