Wednesday, November 16, 2011 marks a day that will live in
infamy throughout the Wash U Community for years to come.  Bon Appétit management has announced its intentions
to end “Free Sushi Wednesdays” in the DUC. 
For those of you who are unaware of this campus-wide phenomenon, Free Sushi
Wednesdays has played a crucial role in the dining habits of students for
numerous years.   However, the name may
be misleading.  Because of its easily
accessible location, hidden around the corner from members of the dining staff,
every day has become Free Sushi Wednesday in the DUC.  Unfortunately due to the severity of the
current recession, Bon Appétit has decided to end the tradition once and for

A Wash U senior, requesting anonymity, has agreed to share
his thoughts on the elimination of Danforth Campuses most storied ritual.  “It’s a shame,” he whimpered, with a tear in
his eye, “I mean if they can charge us $60,000 in tuition, why can’t we be
rewarded with a little free sushi every now and then.  I mean look what they’re doing with our
money.  I’d rather have free sushi then
some artsy WILD folk band or seemingly unending construction hindering my
ability to walk from January to Simon hall without going right around Graham Chapel
any day.” 

The abolition of Free Sushi Wednesday has led to more and
more students questioning the ways in which Wash U spends their money.  Junior James Spencer further inquired into
the appropriation of his college’s funds: “Where does all our parents’ money go
anyway?  How is the school wealthy enough
to sell “bread encrusted frog’s legs” at BD, but when someone in Whispers is
dying of dehydration they need to BUY a cup just to drink some water.  I think our money would be better spent if we
donated it to Thurtene Honorary; that’s not saying much considering they keep
all that money to fuel their nasty coke habits and neglect the poor children of
St. Louis.”

WUSTL’s demographics provide causal evidence for the campuses
outrage.  Estimates reveal that 93% of
the school’s student body is either from New York, Jewish, Asian, or any
combination of the three.  Sushi’s
significance as the number one source of nourishment for these ethnic and
geographical groups only further provokes their fury.

Ironically, the Wash U Sushi Lovers Club, the pride of
Panhell and a representative sample of WUSTL’s sorority population, receives
sizable funding from the university.  One
Wash U student proposed “to just take the money from that ridiculous club and
give it to Bon Appétit so they can continue ignoring our blatant sushi
thievery.”  Unfortunately, the group’s
President was not available for comment. 
The club originally scheduled a protest for Friday evening but was
forced to cancel due to conflict with Chabad’s Friday Night Shabbat Dinner.  The protest has been rescheduled for Sunday
when a wave of Ugg wearing, coach bag carrying, FroYo eating sorority girls
will descend upon Brookings Quad”¦God Help Us All.

Former Bon Appétit Employee and Ursa’s legend Tracy shared
his feelings on the matter.  “Wanna go to
Steak and Shake,” he asked, “”¦seriously I want some Steak and Shake.”  Tracy’s empathy, however, is not
characteristic of Bon Appétit’s staff. 
“I had better not catch anyone trying to steal my sushi,” announced
Peter Chang, official sushi chef at the Wash U Wok.  Regrettably, his statement was cut short, as
the time limit on our interview was as small as the DUC’s portion sizes on
sesame chicken day.  If Chang’s views are
illustrative of those held by the rest of the Bon Appétit crew, the only people
able to continue this magnificent tradition will be those fast enough to outrun
their black smocked pursuers. 

For those of you who worry about running low on meal points
due to this travesty, don’t fret.  Free
food will always be available as long as Ursa’s remains a campus staple.