Wash U has an endowment of
$4,560,043,000. 
Many of you look at that massive number and ask, “Where did it all
go?”  Our university has gone to all
lengths to continue building their resources. 
In fact, Wash U became a smoke free campus primarily because it would
save them money on health insurance payments for students and employees.  Let’s hope that this trend of restricting
freedoms to save a quick buck doesn’t continue. 
Could you imagine if Wash U stopped providing water cups at Whispers,
forcing thousands of students to invest in WUSTL Nalgene Bottles from the
bookstore?!?!  That would be
horrific!  Anyway, let’s take a look at
six ridiculous ways our Scrooge McDuck of a college spends its money.


The “Environmental Sanctuary” that covers the hill
extending from the Upper to Lower Row.


No doubt WUSTL
poured its resources into the preservation of this natural refuge, home to
various rare and endangered local MO plant species.  Just a year ago that same hills was covered
in condoms, beer cans, and cigarette butts. 
Only a year before that, the hill served as a rolling ground for drunken
kids who thought it would be a good idea until they started moving too fast to
stop and catapulted off the four foot ledge, landing with a thud on the hard
concrete below.  Now that I think about
it”¦ it’s probably good that the hill is no longer available for inebriated fun.


Absolutely Ridiculous Speakers


Bristol Palin
discussing abstinence for 20 grand”¦.need I say more?  I mean we might as well have had OJ come
lecture us on the sacred institution of marriage, or Barry Bonds on the
importance of playing by the rules. 
Seriously though, Wash U gets a ton of great speakers every year, they
are just discussing the wrong topics. 
Sure I would like to hear former President Bill Clinton speak, but not
at a lecture entitled “How to Treat Your Interns.”


Edamame on the DUC Salad Bar


Does anyone
else find this completely ridiculous?  I
mean for real, without extraction from their leafy green pod, edamame CAN’T
even be a salad ingredient.  However, the
DUC salad bar contains pre-popped edamame, and it’s not just a few, there’s a
bunch of them.  That means that WUSTL has
employees that stand at the same counter every morning and individually pop
each pod, preparing the peas for consumption”¦.now that’s service.  There must be better uses for that money than
perpetuating that cruel and unusual vegetable-based torture.


Bi-Weekly Housekeeping


Many students
are thrilled by the amenities that a WUSTL experience provides.  One of which is the constant cleaning the
university offers students living in on campus housing.  I mean who runs this school, Howie Mandel?!?!
(https://goo.gl/Zf9dX).  Seriously, I have never lived in such a clean
environment.  Maybe if Wash U stopped
treating us like we all have lupus, we would have enough money to get rid of the
concrete monstrosity that is Eliot Hall.


The New BD


Okay”¦so this
is actually pretty cool.  The new BD
looks like it belongs in a cozy ski village at the base of Whistler, or Mount Tremblant
for all you east coasters.  They serve frog’s
legs, “fresh” fish, crab claws, and rib eye steaks that cost $19.75.  Of course there are cheaper options, but you
would have to be Ghandi to demonstrate that kind of self-control.  If you are a freshman and eat at BD
regularly, you will be sucked dry of meal points by the end of your first month
at college.  Not to worry, you can always
add campus points (the Wash U equivalent of monopoly money) to continue your
5-star dining experience on the South Forty. 
Just make sure to keep telling your parents those points are going to
books for your classes.


The Wash U Student Investment Fund


For those of
you who don’t know, the Wash U Student Investment Fund is an organization of
students that the university provides with $1 million yearly to invest in the
stock market.  This sounds like a really
cool concept, until you realize the intricacies of the average life of a Wash U
student.  There is no chance these
students have enough time to independently research the market’s latest trends
AND effectively complete their schoolwork. 
Let’s be honest, these kids probably rely on a cocktail of luck and
lunatic advice from Mad Money’s Jim Cramer. 
All-in-all maybe Wash U should reconsider how they allocate that kind of
cash”¦.BOOYAH!!!



But seriously,
Wash U provides students with all the resources they need to succeed and
flourish in a collegiate environment. 
Unfortunately for them this is a satirical website”¦so suck it bitches.      

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