Breaking news. After an upheaval from undergraduates regarding WashUâ??s superfluous spending, Chancellor Wrighton held a press
conference to clarify where tuition money is going. Most of this chaos is
surrounding the annual â??Tulip
Maniaâ?. For all of the froshies that have yet to witness this phenomenon
and think that gothic architecture and top tier education brought them all the way
to St. Louis, BOY DO WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU. Tulip Mania begins right around
spring break. When it is almost spring, WashU admissions and the landscaping crew likes to beat Mother Nature to
the chase and sprinkle our campus with pungent mulch and budding flowers. After
spring break, the 100,000 tulips planted around campus are replaced three times
a week. Seriously. What prospective student would want to attend a school that
has drooping flowers? A great pre-med program? Screw it. Class of 2015, the
tulips drew you in like an ADD child is drawn to shiny objects.
So as expected, current students have not found it fair that
our tuition money is funding the Netherlandsâ??
tulip industry. Protests have been erupting in the form of hoarding water
cups, stealing brunch bagels, and showing up to class eight minutes after the
hours, rather than seven. Chancellor Wrighton could smell this teen spirit all
the way from his Forsyth bungalow and decided to do the right thing and allow
transparency for .01% of WashUâ??s annual budget. As one of the four people that
attended this press conference, I hereby bring the word of the Wrighton to WashUâ??s
99%:
Chancellor Wrighton: I would like to address the issue of
where our funding for Tulip Mania comes from. Tulips on the Danforth Campus are
not planted and replanted three times a week with your tuition money. Tuition
money funds the necessities of campus education and life: lab technology, professorsâ??
salaries, and the goat cheese and scallion muffins. The annual budget of 1.3
million dollars for Tulip Mania is funded solely by Ibbysâ?? Riesling Wine and
Bananas Fosters profits.
Anonymous Student 1: This is embarrassing. We are so fat.
Chancellor Wrighton: Ibbyâ??s has conducted studies on these
profits. 87% of the profits are made off of college-aged, single women. Ibbys
reaped $300,00 in Riesling and â??BFâ? [acronym coincidence?!] profits alone
on Valentines Day, again, meal points swiped from the cards of college-aged,
single women.
Anonymous Student 2: Shit. Guilty. Couldnâ??t move for like
three days after Valentines Day.
Anonymous Student 3: Why I am always just another statistic.
Fahck.
What Chancellor Wrighton was implying: STFU WashU. Sorry Iâ??m
not sorry that we exploit your expensive and caloric taste in food to attract
prospective students.
Ugh. Admin 1; Undergrads 0.
