A disappointing
four students turned out for yesterday’s I Heart Male Orgasm in Taper Hall,
dedicated to explaining the physical intricacies and social stigma people may
not understand about everyone’s favorite male body function.

“I saw the buzz about this female orgasm
event, and I really love what they’re doing – I just felt left out of the
equation,” event creator and junior Michael Cox explained. “Me and my
friends were like, hey. We’re curious about our bodies, too.”

While the turnout was less than stellar, attendees
insist the program was enlightening and valuable. “There’s this
‘Hollywood’ picture of the way sex is supposed to be, and don’t get me started
on the incorrect images and mixed signals we get from all this oppressively
female-driven porn,” said one of the male students present. The country’s
only professor of masculinism led the seminar, ensuring the heavy influence of
self-empowerment and scientific fact.

“The male orgasm
is a delicate animal,” the professor explains sadly. “Negative body image can adversely
affect what is, mechanically, a hilariously simple process.”

In addition to a lecture and medical point of view,
attendees were encouraged to share personal feelings and firsts. This portion separated the male students and female student so
everyone felt more comfortable sharing. “It was such a relief knowing I
wasn’t the only one confused!” gushes a male sophomore, glowing
post-seminar. “It all seems so obvious now.”

“A lot of the guys there had questions and
worries similar to mine, which was crazy,” agrees Cox. “It was such
a valuable sharing experience. For instance – and I’m comfortable saying
this now – it turns out I’m not the only one who’s had to fake it because of
unfair pressure from some

Cox’s current girlfriend, the only young woman in
attendance, sat quietly in an adjoining classroom by herself.

Cox is happy about the impact this seminar had,
but has great plans for next year. “There’s always more to learn, and of
course we’d like to increase attendance,” he explains. “We’re taking
the mystery out of boners. I wear mine proudly now.”

He already has something of a theme for next year.
“They’re less a function, and more a friend.”