You know you’re getting old when you forget your own first
birthday.
Fortunately, one of our mottos (and we have a lot of them)
around the writers’ room is “Who really
needs pants anyway?”
Another motto of ours is “it’s never too late to celebrate!”
With that in mind, we’d like to tell the story of the year
2011 that also happened to be our first year of life.
Back in January, USC Head Writer Leah Folta had an interesting
run-in with a Frat Bro, meanwhile USC Head Writer Lia Woodward made the difficult
decision to break up with her old yogurt place. Then
February rolled around and CB discovered that USC students are surprisingly
more mystified by what’s going on with the ladies than with the men folk. It wasn’t the only surprise ladies
had in store that month: girls that frequent the row banded together to make an environmental statement. In a freak coincidence on Valentine’s
Day, a girl fell for someone and based on our report, hurt herself pretty bad. This
of course brought safety to the front of everyone’s minds, especially DPS.
March started off with madness when an infamously offensive email made its way out of a fraternity and into the public, deeply upsetting
the baking community. In an effort to address some of the
themes in the email (probably) an on-campus rehab center was established
for chronic booty callers. Just when we thought Kappa Sig had settled
down, they popped back up. So high up in fact, it was on top of one of USC’s
tallest buildings that one of the most incredible displays of naked heroism took
place.
April brought Orlando Bloom to USC during my absence, and
probably on purpose. Two trees were finally caught in the act in a very embarrassing photo, and all of a
sudden, it was time to think about what to say about summer. Before school was out however, the Dalai Lama finally announced where he would play
in the fall. Meanwhile, news broke that casual relationships can happen in all areas of life, and that college wine expertise is
easier than regular wine expertise, thank god.
At last, Summer was upon us, which brought about some summer orientation nostalgia. Then it was over.
School was back in session and already things were off to a
promising start with botched book lists and a new greek approach to giving grades. Women were down one secret when it was revealed that they
really love being cat called, and one woman in particular took a stand to end an abusive relationship.
Just when things were looking up, DPS Reports started getting
a lot scarier, as did razor scooters, as reported by Staff Writer Becca Grumet. Speaking of scary stories, the mysterious disappearance of a
student was finally resolved in the library. Not to be outdone in nuttyness, the Marching Band Director
finally named himself as his successor. Meanwhile, Staff Writer Eric
Pratt helped the DPS Captain share his own struggle with the rest of the
USC world. In the theme of feeling ignored,
an intentionally subtle street artist had similar issues. It was certainly a time for frustration,
especially when The 2-9 announced it was changing management. Staff Writer Roy Parker
was there to report on some new faculty at the film school, while USC tried its hand at hybrid merchandize. If
that wasn’t confusing enough, Staff Writer Quinn Sosna-Spear brought a cup stacking/beer pong mix up to our attention that caused quite the stir. It was
October, then.
Not to worry though, because you can always turn to Degrassi to help things make sense again. This was the perfect time to
shed some light on the true story behind Qwikster’s demise. Desperate for entertainment that still made sense,
we started paying attention to the news to see how it could make us laugh.
And just like that it was
Halloween, where last-minute costumes were in high demand for All Sluts Day, American Horror Story scared us, and it turned out combining that holiday with parents
weekend was the best decision ever.
We decided to have a heart to heart with our readers about what you mean to us, and to lighten the mood we laughed at the news again.
A group of guys came to the realization that there
was a girl among them, and suddenly being a hipster started to sound like a pretty okay idea. It was a crazy time.
Thanksgiving flew by, and then it seemed like a good time for the CB staff to start
giving advice about sex. The USC/UCLA massacre was too brutal for children to
watch, but reading about it was acceptable. This prompted a plea for peace just in time for
the holiday season. People kept asking for our sex advice, even though we are
still children at heart.
With December in full swing, roommate tensions came to a
very public head in an incredibly entertaining tragedy. We saw our roommates naked and kept giving more sexy advice until it was time to head home for winter break, but not without
covering the war.
As the holidays settled in, talk about popular cell phone games, horrible Christmas albums, puppy roommates and incredible tales of college Christmas Carols kept us warm at night. And what would Christmas be without a
kick ass gift for a boyfriend?
And that’s how we turned 1 year old. We had an excellent time,
and hope you did too.
So, you like us, we like you…how about we keep this thing going?
Love,
USC Campus Basement
