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tagged death »
Research finds “Commencement” is no longer a terminal illness
The class of 2012 and all its friends can breath a collective sigh of relief about at least one thing as May 11th approaches, thanks to some timely research conducted by the University of Southern California. According to chief researchers, 98% of the student body was under the impression that Commencement, or “graduation” in dirty... MORE »
3 Die at Dance Marathon, Girl Makes Out With Bush
As much of you know the annual Dance Marathon charity event was held at the O’ Connell Center this past weekend. It is known as the “Ultra” of charity events. There is lots of music and dancing, exhausted young people, and everyone is severely disoriented afterwards. Even though three died in DM jail at the... MORE »
Dead College Student Was Living Double Life As Middle-Aged Man
James Marlow’s lifeless body was discovered in his NYU dormitory on Monday. His death remains the subject of heated debate among the NYU community, and although autopsy reports are pending, investigators have determined that the seemingly young and vibrant student led a double life as a middle-aged man. “Usually untimely deaths like this one are... MORE »
1,000 Ways to Die in Ithaca, NY
The administration at Cornell would have you believe that alcohol is the greatest threat to your mortality while on campus, but studies show that this is not true! Here are 1,000 (okay there are actually only 8) greater threats to life and limb, lurking in Ithaca, New York. 8) Falling Ice Every year, as... MORE »
Local College Built Atop Ancient Pedophile Burial Ground, Cursed
Following a local community college’s increased instances of, accusations against, and various hipsters’ iPhone 3G webcam recordings of “straight creepin'” and “skank ass dope” activities, the federal government has, in a move unprecedented within the bowels of human history, taken swift action to deal with the pressing matter. Republicans in Congress, as a part of... MORE »
A Letter of Apology From All of Me
Dearest Campus Basement Readers, I’m not sleeping with them. Oh no. I’m just saying, “Dearest’ is a little much. Hey there Campus Basement fans, They aren’t idiots. You, however, can’t even punctuate properly. Hey there, CB Fans, I regret to inform you — What are you, a rejection letter? No, what I am is frustrated,... MORE »
The Scariest Icicle Ever
Theres pretty icicles, and then theres icicles that can impale you! MORE »
With Four Loko Ban Date Approaching, Scientists Already Working on Other Ways to Kill Selves
The last day which liquor stores may sell alcoholic energy drink Four Loko in stores is fast approaching. On December 10th, all Four Loko cans remaining on shelves must be disposed of. College students across the state are in a frenzy, buying up case after case of Four Loko, in preparation for Four Loko Prohibition.... MORE »