Dart-meth: Randy Lambreghts was arrested last Sunday for cooking meth in his apartment. Upon being notified of the meth lab Lambreghts was running out of his dorm room, univeristy and city officials immediately handled the crisis by going on Netflix and watching Breaking Bad. Sources say they’re halfway through season 3.
Irene-eous!: Hurricane Irene ripped through the Northeast wreaking havoc up and down the coast. Sources confirmed that many people were without cable and internet for several hours, resulting in more than 500 deaths, mostly family-member homicides.
Playin’ the Foo$ball Behind My Back: College football season kicked off this week, starting what will almost certainly be a riveting season full of passing, tackling, confusion about why there isn’t a playoff, and more NCAA violations than you can count. Let’s go, illegalgiftreceiving! (clap, clap, clapclapclap!)
Rebel, Rebel: UCLA student Chris Jeon decided that the beach isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and bought a one-way ticket to Cairo to take in the rays, pick up some chicks, and, if there’s time, fight alongside the rebels to take down Moammar Gaddafi while wearing a basketball jersey. Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris could not be reached for comment about how badass Jeon’s action is.
Econ Oh, My!: The economy remained, to use technical terms, in the shitter this week. Sources say it’s expected to rise to the next level (the crapper) within the next few months, or at least by the time we’re purchased by China.
Race to Nowhere: The presidential race heated up this week when Obama scheduled some bullshit speech during the same time that Republicans were scheduled to meet about who they would elect to potentially give their bullshit speech next year, leading many to wonder: why are we electing these idiots in the first place?