Millions of people all over the world were outraged today upon the unveiling of the brand new Apple iPhone 4S, a smartphone with a dual core A5 processor, an 8-megapixel camera capable of shooting 1080p high definition video, a battery that can last for up to 14 hours of continuous talk time, an entirely new operating system, and a talking digital personal assistant named Siri who can instantly respond to a multitude of questions and voice commands.

Tim Cook, who led his first product launch today since taking over as Apple’s CEO, released the mind-blowingly amazing new product during the “Let’s Talk iPhone” keynote speech in Cupertino.

Despite the fact that the iPhone 4S is a considerable leap forward from the older 4th generation phone, and that we are currently experiencing an innovative tech boom on a grander scale than anyone thought imaginable ten years ago, Apple fans were largely disappointed upon hearing the news of this new piece of technology.

“This is such bullcrap! I don’t want some lame upgrade to a 1-year-old piece of junk,” said Pierce Winchester, a sophomore at Dartmouth whose father pays his phone bills. “We want the IPHONE 5!!! Give the people what they want!”

Also unveiled at today’s conference were two new generations of iPod Nano and iPod Touch. “Nobody wants to hear about stupid boring iPods,” Winchester said of the Apple mp3 players, which can amazingly hold up to 64GB of music wirelessly through the new iCloud and/or Wi-Fi. “It’s not the iPhone 5, so no one cares.”

When asked what he hopes to see in the iPhone 5, Winchester replied, “I want it to look different,” and then gazed angrily at his iPhone. “I can’t believe I’m stuck with this stupid excuse for a phone for a whole year,” he said, despite breaking and replacing so many iPhones that he’s no longer eligible of purchasing a warranty from AppleCare.

In other news, Apple executives are considering slimming the 4S device down a millimeter and calling it the “iPhone 5″ just so everybody will shut the hell up.