A recent investigation has confirmed what we all feared: when you choose not to chug, almost 100% of the time you automatically become labeled a “huge pussy” whom your friends will endlessly mock behind your back.

The most recent instance of this occurred last Friday night at an apartment in College Park, MD, where sophomore student Jerome Brown “wasn’t feeling it” and decided he would not join his roommates in chugging before heading to the bar.

“I had just eaten this massive bowl of penne a la vodka, and I was pretty sure if I chugged my beer I was gonna hurl everywhere,” says Brown in his defense. “I did what was best for my body and for my apartment’s carpet.”

In other words, Brown acted like a huge pussy.

“Who the fuck does he think he is?” asked Brown’s roommate and former friend, Brett Peterson. “First off, no guy gives a shit about carpet. Secondly, no college guy does what’s best for his body. Last night, I wanted a salad but I obviously didn’t have any lettuce. So I ate a pound of weed.”

Added Peterson, “We do what we have to do.”

Brown’s friends still speak to him and the relationship remains cordial, but Brown does not know that behind his back his friends verbally berate him.

Still, there is hope. Seven percent of the time, students who refuse to chug are left alone. However, the circumstances are rare, and the excuse given must be such that chugging is simply not an option, including, but not limited to, “My jaw is broken,” “I just shotgunned a keg,” and “Blughhhhhhhhh! (inaudible due to projectile vomiting).”

The latter excuse does not work, however, once the person has finished vomiting.