Because of a variety of internal and external factors, it’s
rumored that members of the Class of 2014 are expected to gain one pound more
than their predecessors, turning the Freshman 15 into the Freshman 16.


One major factor in this increase in fatness is the location
of freshman dorms. Ernie Davis has its own dining hall AND sits right across
the street from Kimmel Dining Hall. Additionally, freshmen who are stuck on the
Mount in Flint or Day are more than 99% more likely to eat a peer during the 4-hour
walk up the steps than any other student on campus. Students living in Flint or
Day who don’t wish to resort to
cannibalism may simply decide to never descend from the mount, a much simpler
and healthier solution. But they’ll still have Graham Dining Hall, which might
as well be serving human (it’d probably taste better than their so-called “Pork


Another reason for 2014 robustness is being called Fatitis
(which sort of looks like Fat Titties, doesn’t it?), a disease common in young
people born after 1990, when the concept of “exercise” referred to typing
faster on the computer (“sprinting”) or clicking the remote while holding a
sandwich and balancing a Coke on one’s leg (“triathlon”). Without parents to force
these young people to occasionally grace the outside world with their presence,
they will most likely spend every waking hour in their dorm rooms, checking the
Facebook statuses of their friends who, like them, don’t have anything to
report other than, “Still sitting at my desk, getting ready to head to the
bathroom for my monthly shit.” Which makes them perfect for SU, where outside
life is virtually non-existent between the hours of 5 AM and May.


“Is there nothing we can do?” asked one freshman girl, whose
syntax had definitely been affected by an exorbitant amount of comic book


There isn’t anything you can do. Because to do anything
about it, you’d have to get off your ass. And that’s not gonna happen, because
there’s a Jersey Shore marathon on today. Maybe tomorrow.