Here’s what’s going on around campus.

“¢ There has been an outbreak of zombies on campus. Most of them can be identified by their Nerf guns, their bandanas and the way they yell, “Human!” Many of them have also begun to chase Alex Piliouras around campus because of his article calling them nerds.

“¢ Despite some people’s best efforts, Mayfest is still happening on Walnut. This doesn’t mean it’s not happening on Euclid, too. Just that it’s also happening on Walnut. It’s the equivalent of being married to a supermodel and then divorcing her for a prostitute. Who lives on Walnut.

“¢ The Syracuse Hammerheads Rugby team lost in the first round of the tournament. I’d make a joke here about this, but they could each beat the shit out of me with their pinkies. So”¦no joke.

“¢ Jamie Dimon is still our commencement speaker. A handful of students are outraged. A handful of students are outraged at the outraged students. Most of us don’t give a shit. Because we’re still going to be drunk at graduation anyway. Nancy Cantor could give the speech herself, and most of us would still be concentrating mostly on A) not throwing up, B) not passing out, C) not throwing up on the person in front of us and then passing out on top of them.