vice president
dean of student affairs Thomas Wolfe sent out an e-mail to Syracuse University
students this week reminding them to be sensitive, thoughtful and respectful in
choosing Halloween costumes. He added that sexy nurses could offend those in
the medical field, sexy pirates could be insensitive to terrorists on the coast
of Somalia, and sexy schoolgirls could demean those in the porno industry.
Wolfe failed to mention that he will dress up as a pregnant nun on Friday night
and as Catwoman on Saturday.


In the Trojan Condoms fifth annual “Sexual Health Report
Card,” Syracuse University pulled a sexual grade point average of a C+.
Clearly, this means that sorority girls aren’t putting out enough.


In the recent days before Orange Central aka Homecoming Weekend, self-appointed
homecoming court king and queen nominees have been advertising their potential
court postions via Facebook and Twitter. Countless requests for votes for
people no one has heard of have gone viral across colleges’ prime social media
outlets. Friends of friends were pulled into the mass invites to vote for Jane
and John Doe and every other nominee. Yet there is no homecoming parade or
dance to see said king and queen and they don’t even win anything except a
title no one will hear about because SU will never formally announce the
winners. So. Good luck nominees…for a really prestigious honor our school
clearly applauds.


In what
was either an attemp
by the LC Smith Engineering School to make friends or a recruitment stunt by
SU’s club circus sports team, a group of Syracuse students set up a tightrope
walk between two trees on the quad this week. Rumor has it that next week a
trapeze will be rigged between Hendricks chapel and the physics building.
Speculation of elephant rides has been neither confirmed nor denied.


It’s homecoming
, which means that
countless members of former graduating classes are on campus. The easiest way
to spot them is to listen for people bragging to the members of the class of
2010 about how their “broke  asses
won’t find work for another three years.” Jerks.