Sex U Up: SU is once again offering Human Sexuality this semester. Upon being informed that the course does not count toward their Arts and Science requirements, the majority of students will A. be forced to take 18 credits their last semester, B. Convince themselves that a Child/Family Studies minor will greatly complement their Engineering degree, or C. Formally drop the course but still show up drunk.

I’m a Cool Professor!: A recent study conducted on campus revealed that every professor in Syracuse claims their class is “not like other classes, so if you’re taking this just to slack off and get an easy A for your transcript, you’re in the wrong place.” However, every professor in Syracuse also offered those students some consolation, adding, “So if you want to drop, go ahead. I won’t be offended. No hard feelings, I promise.” Take note, you kids who are taking intermediate piano lessons.

Bore-ding School: Winter break ended and classes started up again, meaning it’s time for everyone to regale you with the amazing tale of that one night when his/her friend did this really funny thing that oh my god! it was so funny you should’ve been there I peed myself laughing. Except you weren’t there, so the story really just acts as a reminder: no one cares about what your friend from home did when he was drunk.

From Mexico, With Love: The popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle is confirmed to be adding another location right on Marshall Street. The line on opening day is expected to reach the line leading out of the other Chipotle that just opened on Erie and ultimately cause a rift in the space-time continuum.

Beat Someone: Syracuse lost to Villanova. Everyone return your Beat Nova tshirts. Now on sale: Beat Seton Hall.

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