Cummings Publishing Company is proud to announce the release
of Mastering Biology, Forty-Seventh
for Syracuse University’s fall 2010 semester. The freshly updated
student textbook is retailing at the SU Bookstore for the bargain price of $250,
and features three all-new sentences and a fixed typo from the previous
edition, with other add-ons including a 12 disc series of interactive CD-ROMs,
an additional softcover workbook, and a DVD box set with over 40 hours worth of
bonus material ““ all shrink-wrapped together into one enormous rectangular mass
full of useless, expensive bullshit.


One of the new sentences, a longer, more detailed
description of multicellular dynamic equilibrium, can be found in chapter 3.
The other two new sentences are in the glossary section. And finally, the previous
edition’s misspelling of the word “phylogenetics” on page 246 has been


The updated text now renders all forty-sixth edition copies
completely and utterly obsolete. As such, students who took BIO 141 last
semester and are looking to sell their textbooks back to the bookstore are shit
out of luck. Similarly, so are any students who purchase the new version and
then wish to return it, for the shrink-wrap that binds all the products
together is so precious and valuable that even the slightest tear in the
packaging results in the buyback price being reduced to 75 cents.


And unfortunately, a recent study found that 0% of all
professors in the history of institutionalized education have ever used any of
the add-on discs or workbooks. Still, SU Bookstore representative Steve
Moneybags remains optimistic.


“We are extremely excited about the release of this improved
textbook and the effect it will have on our student body’s education,” said
Moneybags, just as he was selling his last copy of the TRF 530 course reader ““
about a hundred sheets of paper bound together by a piece of plastic ““ for
$50. “And it actually works out perfectly,” he added. “Every time a textbook
gets an update, so does my yacht.”