Syracuse University’s Department of Public Safety, in wake of the recent crime wave on campus, announced sweeping new measures to counter the chaos. Rather than stepping up campus patrols or the number of officers on duty at night, DPS spokesman Herbert Reynolds unveiled a plan to increase the frequency of cautionary e-mails sent to students and faculty.
“Students need to know that it’s a dangerous world out there, and there are things you can do to keep yourself safe,” Reynolds said in a press conference yesterday, “Locking your door, not being outside at night, carrying a gun–these are all important strategies to keep from being mugged.”
When asked about the constant presence of DPS officers on Euclid Avenue when most serious crimes were occurring elsewhere, Reynolds said, “Wait, you expect us to like, arrest criminals and bring them to justice? That’s not our job. Our job is to sit around and write tickets for college kids drinking beer on the sidewalk. You think we’re supposed to be like an actual police force?”
Reynolds went on to say that the e-mails would continue to be effective in the face of the rash of burglaries and muggings around the University. “We are confident that, if potential criminals are aware of our proactive tactics with these e-mails, they will be deterred from attempting to burglarize Syracuse facilities.”
Look out, evil-doers of Central New York. DPS’s IT department is on the case.