“¢ For only the fourth time ever, Syracuse University canceled class on Thursday and closed down. After Thursday’s events, SU has now closed as many times as Paris Hilton’s legs. Strangely, the entire student body at SU has fewer STDs combined than Ms. Hilton.

“¢ UU announced this week that Drake will be headlining Block Party. While many students are thrilled that the man who broke hearts on Degrassi and took over the airwaves with tracks like “Best I Ever Had” is coming to SU, some students have complained that Drake is “not hard enough.” Frankly, if these complainers want to see something hard, they could ask UU to bring a pre-teen boy and make him watch a porno up on stage. But then again, he wouldn’t last very long, and that would make for a completely different kind of Block Party…actually, the masturbating kid would really be more appropriate for “Juice Jam” (think about it, you’ll get it). So get off of UU’s balls. They did a good job. Drake is gonna be sick.

“¢ Last but not least, the men’s basketball team routed the Villanova Wildcats 95-77 on Saturday night, in front of the largest crowd in history. The meeting marked the last time Scottie Reynolds will face the Orange in the regular season. Why is this a big deal? Because Scottie Reynolds has played basketball for “Nova for 13 seasons. When “Nova coach Jay Wright was questioned about the departure of the long-time guard, he replied, “We’re going to miss Scottie. Luckily, we have an awesome new recruit who plays like AND looks like Scottie. His name is”¦um”¦Scooter Rennols?”

“¢ 34,616