Since its establishment in 1972, Bird Library has baffled thousands of students. The confusion does not stem from the books within the walls, but from the doors that attempt to lead into and out of the library itself.

Every day, students assemble in teams outside of the Bird in order to try to crack the code of the library doors. And every day, hundreds of students are forced to admit defeat, crumpling blueprints and retreating to their homes to refuel their chainsaws, blowtorches, cannons and the like.

“It’s almost like the university officials don’t want us to get into the library,” hypothesizes Jeff Brown, a senior political science major. “I’ve been here for four years, and not once have I figured out how to infiltrate the force field at Bird. SU should seriously consider selling those doors to the people in charge of immigration.”

But SU officials were not quick to accept credit for the doors of rejection. “To be honest,” says head librarian Dana Yankowicz, “nobody here knows how the doors work. Sometimes, they open on the left. Sometimes on the right. Sometimes, you have to jump through the glass. Other times they don’t open at all!”

Other SU officials later confirmed Yankowicz’s insane rants: no one from the SU community does anything to affect the doors. What does this mean? It means that the library has predetermined who is to get in and who is to remain outside. Which explains why the same people are always in the library all the time.

Now if only there were a book in there to explain how they can get out.