In the spirit of the somewhat overbearing sportsmanship that Mizzou fans dish out every game day, MU’s nationally ranked chess team decided they would show their appreciation to the Vanderbilt fans that drove 433 miles by offering free blow jobs to anyone showing some Commodore pride.
“We were at the Golden Corral to celebrate our three meet winning streak and somehow we found ourselves discussing sportsmanship and how we can up our game,” said Chess Club Caption Mark Grossenbaum. “We had been so great the past few games, we were stumped. But all it took was three trips to the chocolate wonderfall later, we had it: dick sucking. Free of charge.”
“No need to be ambiguous about it,” said Grossenbaum. “We love the SEC. In a big way.”They put their plan into action last Saturday, setting up a tent on Providence Rd and hanging a sign that read, “Vandy fans: We would love to give you head.” They also served up a wide array of your classic tailgate foods including hot dogs, brats, ring bologna, popsicles and plenty of pineapple.
With an act as bold as this, criticism is bound to pop up. The main one being the legality of the arrangement. But chess club statistician Doyle Cots claims they had no problems in that area.
“A cop walked past us and frowned, but I think he was just bummed because he wasn’t wearing any Vandy gear.”
This wasn’t the only sportsmanship minded and somewhat sexually explicit act done on football Saturday. One mizzou fan Sarah Tinchler witnessed a Georgia fan spill her beer on her shirt. Tinchler claimed she didn’t have to think twice about what her next move would be.
“I just took my shirt off and gave it to her,” said Tinchler. “That’s what football fans do, help each other out in times of need. I was a little surprised when she threw it on the ground, poured the remainder of her beer on it and said ‘I’d rather hang myself with this ugly-ass gold shirt than wear it. My dead homies will wear this shirt before I do. Fuck tigers.’ She must have been nervous about the game. Its fine. I just wish I was wearing a cuter bra.”
The chess teams attempt to reach out was equally unsuccessful. Members were surprised to learn there were no takers for their one stop blowie shop.
“Most people just walked past us and ignored us,” said Grossenbaum, “But that isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Four years of student activities fairs prepared me for those kinds of responses. I just thought this type of thing would have a little more appeal. I know I would never ever pass up a free blow job.”
When Vanderbilt fans were asked what led them to turning down such a tempting and generous offer most of them cited that they, “didn’t want some random dude to suck them off.”
In response to this, Grossenbaum said:
“I’m not gay or anything, but I certainly have no problem with phallic acts by another man, as long as its in the name of sportsmanship.”
