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MU students suspect nicotine as Baja’s secret ingredient
Below the Hatch and Schurz residence rests a beautiful gem, an in-and-out restaurant named Baja. Virtually hidden from plain sight on the very edge of campus, it would appear Baja would have to do some serious advertising to get any business at all. Simply by word of mouth, Baja has flourished into a remarkably convenient... MORE »
Pizza Party Convinces All MU Students To Stop Drinking
Last Friday, in honor of alcohol responsibility month the Wellness Resource Center held a pizza party where they served up slices, soda and a slew of awesome facts about the dangers of alcohol. This event has been hailed the most successful event of all time, managing to convince every MU student, regardless of age, to... MORE »
Third Presidential Debate cancelled; Presidential Cage Match to be held instead
Only a few days after the second Presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney, the third debate was cancelled and will be replaced with the first ever Presidential Cage Fight. The United States Debate Organizer Squad (USDOS) conceived the idea after watching Romney and Obama exchange trash talk during the previous debate,... MORE »
Fraternity refuses to suspend uranium enrichment program despite sanctions
Another round of negotiations fell through between the Tau Kappa Chi (TKX) Fraternity and the United Nations concerning TKX’s uranium enrichment program Wednesday. This most recent round of negotiations appears to be the last as neither side is willing to make concessions. The fraternity and the UN have been in talks since UN weapons... MORE »
Cosmopolitan and Esquire Purchase MOVE Magazine
In a surprising move that also shocked no one, The Hearst Corporation, owner of both Cosmopolitan and Esquire, has acquired The Maneater’s very own MOVE Magazine. “I frequently write about when and how I’m getting laid and when I’m not, both in vast detail,” MOVE writer Samantha Jensen said. “Then I was offered a job... MORE »
MU Bookstore now accepting Confederate money
The University of Missouri has only very recently become a part of the SEC, but southern hospitality as already taken hold of the campus. For this weekend only, in honor of MU’s first game against the University of Alabama as a fellow SEC team, the MU Bookstore and Student Union will be accepting Confederate money.... MORE »
Chess Team Offers Free Blow Jobs To Vanderbilt Fans In The Name Of Sportsmanship
In the spirit of the somewhat overbearing sportsmanship that Mizzou fans dish out every game day, MU’s nationally ranked chess team decided they would show their appreciation to the Vanderbilt fans that drove 433 miles by offering free blow jobs to anyone showing some Commodore pride. “We were at the Golden Corral to celebrate our... MORE »
Extensive Research Reveals that Mizzou Basement Writers Can Work Well While Intoxicated
In a recent study conducted by Mizzou Basement staff and collaboratively supervised and published by the Harvard University Press, CERN, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, and Vladimir Putin’s cabinet, it appears that the writers and photo artists at Mizzou Basement can write their articles and photoshop under the influence of alcoholic beverages... MORE »
MU plans to close Geography Department, citing irrelevance
MU will no longer offer a Geography major to incoming freshman and will shut down the department when all current students have graduated, according to a statement released earlier today. “I’ll be honest, it wasn’t that tough of a decision,” MU Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “We’ve pretty much already found everything. And people can find... MORE »
MU Introduces Jersey Chasing as Newest Club Sport
Carefully checking her makeup using the selfie-mode of her iPhone 4s, Mary hides behind a trash can, lying in wait for the moment when Freshmen tight end Jack (whose name has been changed for his own personal safety) leaves his room, at which point she will pop up and accidentally bump into him, thus striking... MORE »