The University of Missouri has only very recently become a part of the SEC, but southern hospitality as already taken hold of the campus. For this weekend only, in honor of MU’s first game against the University of Alabama as a fellow SEC team, the MU Bookstore and Student Union will be accepting Confederate money.
“Alabama fans are traveling so far from their native land for this game; we wanted to show them how appreciative we are of their sacrifice by making them feel as comfortable as possible.” Said MU Student President Xander Bynes. “While they may have to endure cooler temperatures and a language barrier, at least now they won’t have to deal with exchange rates, too.”
The temporary acceptance of southern coinage on campus isn’t the only way MU has been preparing to welcome its southern brethren. The Organization of Student Pride has combed the campus, throwing away all newspapers deemed “Yankee,” by a specialized board of southern-born students. The university has even agreed to suspend all subscriptions to these publications for the duration of the weekend.
“We are not in any way calling [Alabama fans] ignorant,” President of Student Services Sarah Larson said. “A more accurate description is probably sheltered. We’re not sure how much they know in the way of politics, or national and global news, and we don’t want to be the ones to tell them. It’s kinder this way.”
Student Services originally campaigned the Journalism School to bring in alternative newspapers for the weekend, convincing the Dean and professorial staff that the importation the South’s most popular news publications would be a gesture of goodwill towards Roll Tide fans by MU’s most esteemed area of study. The idea was dismissed when it was brought to the group’s attention that such publications do not exist.
The town of Columbia, too, has gotten involved in welcoming Alabama fans to Missouri. The local cable station, Columbia Cable News, has agreed to suspend all news-related broadcasts, replacing them with NASCAR, reruns of “The Beverly Hillbillies,” and “Swamp People,” while the Columbia Parks and Recreations organization has teamed up with MU horticulture classes to flood specific parts of Columbia and the MU campus itself into swamplands, creating a more familiar environment for visiting Alabama fans.
“We’re the new kids on the block and we want to make a good impression,” University President John Biggs said, explaining MU’s extensive welcoming plans. “What we lack in geographical relevance to the South Eastern Conference, we make up for in southern comfort and hospitality.”