“I frequently write about when and how I’m getting laid and when I’m not, both in vast detail,” MOVE writer Samantha Jensen said. “Then I was offered a job by Cosmo, just like the rest of the staff. Finally, I can be taken seriously as a writer.”
Cosmopolitan, famous for its encyclopedic sex tips from women who don’t understand the difference between male genitalia and some sort of hammer, saw potential in what the MOVE staff had published in their Sex and Relationships section: the exact same shit.
“No one seems to understand that the entire goal of Cosmo is to play the entirety of the American female demographic for a bunch of saps,” Andrea Hart of Cosmopolitan said. “Fifty ways to keep your man hot in the bedroom! Sorry—that just slips out sometimes.”
The appeal of the Sex and Relationships column is not entirely what appealed to Hearst. The variety of useless and uninsightful opinions on music, too, raised a desire to split the section off to be swallowed by Esquire.
“I’m an artist, really,” MOVE writer Jacob Reinfeldt said. “Green Day sucks, but the latest Mumford and Sons record kicks ass, and I think it’s about time a real journalistic entity understood that.”
“This reminds me of my days as a reserve bassist for a couple of local gigs,” he added, with tears in his eyes. “It was just a side thing, because I think I can do a better job behind a desk. Oh God, will please someone just hold me?”
A spokesman from Esquire, as well, commented on the takeover.
“What Andrea said applies to everything we do,” spokesman Gordon Levy said. “I don’t care about any of this. Please get away from me before I call the police.”
The MOVE staff, it seems, was absolutely ecstatic about the takeover, but the community at large seems to agree with the spokespeople’s remarks regarding the situation.
“What the hell is MOVE?” one student asked. “Sounds like an Ikea catalogue. Whatever—reading is gay anyways.”
“This is probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to anybody,” another student said. “Now the girls here will be literally biting my nether regions because Cosmo’s version of MOVE told them to.”
Despite this gargantuan takeover, it is largely agreed upon by academics of Journalism and sociologists alike that probably nothing is going to change for anybody.