There are
some invariable and inescapable facts about smoking tobacco. The first is that
every cigarette you light up affords you anywhere between six and 12 cool
points. This fluctuation depends on brand, but free cool points are free cool
points. The second is that it will eventually kill you, but so will breathing
and doing any other cool things, so mostly be advised of number one.
A fact that
many MU students don’t appear to know is this: there are regulations regarding where smokers can get their
cool on, and MU is slowly transitioning to a “smoke-free” (read: Cool Free)
campus.
“Wait,
what?” said Marcus Leighton, senior cool kid. “Are you trying to tell me that
if I’m mackin’ on a bittie, like mad mackin’, and I’m not in one of these
designated areas, I can’t show her just how cool I am? I have no more moves.”
Other students are also struggling
with the significant decrease in coolness. Maybe those suffering the most are
the “second-hand” cool kids.
“Look, I
don’t have a lot going for me,” Samuel Marsh, sophomore said. “I’m scrawny, my hair is messy all the time and I don’t even
know why, and to be totally honest, I’m not very nice. But I have friends that
smoke. And when they bust out the Camels I got girls coming at me like bullets in Halo 2.”
The female
population, however, appreciates the efforts to unmask the cool imposters.
Freshman Lauren Sam has been duped before, and hopes to avoid future instance
of that nature.
“This is
embarrassing, but I’ve been tricked by my fair share of smokers,” Sam said. “I
try my best to talk to them before they pull out the Marlboro Lights, but it’s
game over for me once I see that bright purple lighter. It’s like panty
dropping magic.”
“I hope
that these new regulations will provide me with more time to get to know really
important stuff about the people I’m hooking up with, like their favorite My
Little Pony character and how they feel about the Friends finale, and if I have
time, their name and stuff.”
The MU
police department has been trying for months to enforce the rules by reprimanding students who break them,
but it seems as though resistance is futile.
“We stopped
night-sticking kids after the first week,” officer Joe Fash said. “I honestly
just got kind of tired of cleaning the blood off of mine, and it really wasn’t
worth the paperwork.”
Regardless
of the policies apparent and overwhelming failure, it appears that the
university will continue on with it’s plan to make MU a smoke free campus in
the near future.
“Look, I
know our smoking students are used to getting mad pussy, but times are
changing,” Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “Students need to learn to get girls
to fellate them in new ways, such as texting them and emoticons.”
