The duchess of “getting down on Friday,” who has dictated various Facebook statuses, memes, and poorly crafted mixtapes finally chose which seat she wants to take and drove off in her illegally manned convertible to make way for a new crew of heavily autotuned performers; while this new singing troupe appears old enough to own a driver’s license, the question of should they be allowed on the road of Youtube success erects.
Aside from questions, the now infamous “We Are Mizzou” video erected a funeral boner. The flaccid demeanor of every member in that video tapped into gratuitous arousal the minute I heard “Tiger nation, baby!” Rather than cower and tuck it back like any post-pubescent boy dealing with a penile malfunction would, these Tigers dropped pants and wiggled atop a coffin for an entire three minutes and thirty four seconds. At least Rebecca Black had the decency to put clothes on before pouring her bowl of cereal.
In the wake of such a travesty, the anthem commending the freedom of choice seating on a Friday night joy-ride has been liberated, thanks to the inherent flaws pointed Mizzou’s neon-clad rap crew.
The Rebecca Black video may have had a terrible rap breakdown, but that rap lasted for a viable 25 seconds, and those 25 seconds were owned by a 50 year old doppleganger of Nicki Minaj’s butt cheek; “We Are Mizzou” exceeds that time limit six times over, and none of those people resemble any sort of appendage owned by a credible hip hop super star.
The rhymes and jittery teenybopper vocals paired with a guy making obscene sexual eye contact with the camera whilst caressing the nose of David R. Francis made that boner grow and poke grandma in the back. The video wasn’t nearly satirical to pull off a solid three seconds of unbreakable eye contact within that context. The kid driving the Rebecca Blackmobile had more class than that, and he spent his screen .
A decibel worse would have convinced me the claim to satire was honest, but the violent fist pumps of Mizzou pride and awkward sways were a bit too true to how most bros insist on expressing school pride.
They busted in without knocking on the door and rightfully redeemed what was Rebecca Black’s claim to Internet stardom. Arkansas may have Kansas inside it, but at least it didn’t impregnate mourning Mizzou fans with an offspring of shame.