*******What are you about to read is the actual day-long thought process of a young Cornellian woman who is actively involved in her greek chapter. All names have been changed to protect the identities of all those involved. What you are about to read may be disturbing to some readers, so we apologize in advance for any brain cells that might be killed in the process of reading this article*******

9:00 am Good morning, sunshiiiiine! Fuck wait I’m really hungover. Back to bed.

9:16 am JK lolz I need at least an hour to straighten my hair! Obviously.

10:22 am K, I look good. What to wear now? Leggings or jeggings? And should I wear the blue flowy top that makes my tits look bigger than they actually are? Or maybe I should just wear my homecoming hoodie….I wonder if anyone will notice that I’ve worn it 6 days in a row…..Eh. Whatever. Makeup time!

10:23 am Damn, I look good.

10:25 am Damn, I look even better with a shit ton of eyeliner on.

10:27 am I should totes get permanent makeup when I’m older, this sucks.

10:28 am I’m TOO good at this. I should give bronzer tutorials to freshmen.

10:29 am A quick College ACB check before breakfast. Wait – where’s my macbook? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MACBOOK?!

10:34 am Found it! Time to sit down to a big ol bowl of Special K. Remember, no eating for the next 9 hours!! You can do this!!

10:36 am SHIT EVERYONE ON ACB IS SAYING OUR HOUSE WENT FROM UPPER TIER TO THE UPPER MIDDLE. I can’t let anyone see this. Who do I have to blow to make this slander STOP?!!?!

10:37 am You know what? Two can play this game. I will fight till the death for my sisterhood and um by the way I think that Annie Liebowitz has thunder thighs and I want the world to know sooo this website is anonymous right?

10:39 am Self confidence has officially boosted ten points. Time for class!

11:24 am Class blows. That says a lot coming from me, trust me.

11:25 am I wonder if the professor is single?

11:27 am Nevermind he just mentioned something about his 3 year old daughter.

11:28 am But wait I’m really good with kids! I babysat once for my neighbor. This could work!

11:50 am He’s definitely eye-fucking that blonde slut in the front row. Screw this I need adderall.

12:05 Terrace is way too far from Uris.

12:10 I just passed at least 4 guys I’ve hooked up with before, two of which had girlfriends with them. I wonder if they’ve been together long enough to find out how small his dick is?

12:17 pm Wow salad line is too long. I almost forgot I have like 6 more hours to starve myself. Guess I’ll just sit in the corner and spoon feed myself splenda and air.

12:29 pm Jenna won’t shut the fuck up about her PJ. What’s a PJ? Where can I get one? Too dumb to ask but I really want one if Jenna has one.

12:32 pm It’s a private jet, apparently. I swear to god if I don’t marry wealthy I’m fucked.

12:35 pm Jenna got taken to John Thomas 3 times this month after setting up her own match.com profile. WHY IS SHE SO SMART??

12:47 pm Totally just set up a match.com profile on my blackberry. Jenna’s helping me pick out a profile picture where my head tilt is exactly 45 degrees to the left and my cheekbones look the most pronounced. This is hard. Keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the end when I have a butler and my own indoor tanning salon.

12:49 pm No friend requests as of yet…

12:53 pm This is terrible. Am I really that ugly? I need a nose job. I also need to eat, I think my blood sugar is really low. Who cares, nothing tastes as good as being a skinny betch feels! Maybe I’ll eat a carrot just for shits and giggles.

1:22 pm I’m still really hungry.

1:44 pm I don’t speak spanish, why the hell did I take spanish? Where’s the tequila? Shit every time I think of tequila I want to barf.

1:47 pm Hmm maybe I should throw up, I ate too many bowls of popcorn at Dunbar’s last night.

1:58 pm Why are there so many ASIANS in this class?

2:24 pm Way too much diversity for this one university, its kinda pissing me off and I wish someone told me about it before I enrolled.

2:45 pm This is the longest fucking day ever. I need a drink. P.S. STILL NO MATCH.COM REQUESTS. WTF WTF WTF.

2:55 pm Time for wines, YAY

3:21 pm Wait this class is actually really hard.

3:48 pm Wow I’m extremely tipsy. I’m def the only one who is, too.

4:34 pm Just dropped my wine kit all over the floor. Everyone is staring at me. I’m officially drunk. The guy next to me is super cute but he keeps spitting out his wine after tasting it so I can’t possibly date him. I wonder if he’d take me to John Thomas

4:44 pm Hey wait he’s engaged. Awesome. Totally gonna try and sleep with him anyway

4:47 pm – I just wanna dance.

5:16 pm Home sweet collegetown. No one responded to my Annie Liebowitz thread, I’m really pissed. Bitches.

5:54 pm Gym time!

6:09 pm I’m bored.

6:13 pm I’ve burned 32 calories. YES.

6:19 pm 68 calories. SCORE.

6:20 pm I’m tired.

6:21 pm I’m hungry.

6:26 pm Best workout ever! I burned a total of 73 calories. I’m so sexy it hurts sometimes.

6:47 pm What’s for dinner? Maybe I’ll eat
some toast with butter that’s healthy right? Whole grains and shit?

6:48 pm Wait is butter a carb?

6:49 pm No really I forgot what they said it was in Mean Girls. Is it a carb or not?

6:52 pm OK I think I’m just gonna eat some oyster crackers.

8:43 pm Still no match.com requests….I can kiss that indoor tanning salon goodbye.


9:14 pm Phew. Close call. No bebes in these ovaries, BITCHES!!

9:29 pm Time to drink! Diluted Four Loko (less calories) power hour with my biddieeeeesssss

9:35 pm I wanna get laid tonight.

10:24 pm Not drunk enough for high confidence levels to emerge.

11:43 pm Ism reallllllyyyyy ddrunksh hehehehehe that waz FAST!

11:54 pm I jus peed onthe sidewialk hehe is thhat okaY??

12:16 am Notee to sealf: do not pee on sideewalk!! Policce man says its NOT OK!!!!

1:53 am One off the aszian men from espanol class is in myy bed heh….guess i reallly DO like diverssity after all! 5 bucks ssays it was the strategically placed bronzer on my cheekbones.

2:14 am I jusst threw up orange colored oyster crackers.

2:32 am Still no match.com requests…must be my scoliosis. THANKS A LOT MOM WTF I thought my head tilt would throw them off damnitttttt.

2:56 am I’m hungry.