In an effort to ensure that this year’s shopper-on-shopper violence occurs in a more organized and entertaining fashion, Walmart has instituted new Hunger Games-style death matches for its customers on Black Friday 2012.
Based on the popular dystopian novels in which a tyrannical government forces children to fight to the death in special televised events, Walmart’s new initiative will have consumers not only fighting for their lives, but for amazing once-in-a-lifetime discounts like a Nintento Wii U Starter Bundle for 70% off.
“Walmart is really going to crack down on the fighting this year,” said chief marketing officer Flutarch Peavensdee. “We can’t just open the doors and have everyone attacking each other at once without giving them weapons or showing it on TV.”
Peavensdee elaborated on how the current, chaotic state of Black Friday is a sad testament to America’s dangerous obsession with commercial goods. “It’s absolutely tragic to hear stories of people getting trampled to death over an iPad, when it would have been so much cooler if he got stabbed with a javelin or hit in the face with one of those metal chains with a spiky ball on the end of it.”
“We’re thinking of implementing an instant replay feature for any of the kills that are especially badass.”
Walmart’s customers are equally enthusiastic about participating. “I’m so excited for the all the fun toys I can win,” said 3rd grader Peetick Everwood. “I want to get Halo 4 for Xbox 360!”
“All I need is a sword,” Everwood concluded. He was last seen shuffling through the silverware drawer in his kitchen and examining a potato peeler.