In a move surprising to many, the College of Arts and Sciences will disband during the Spring 2011 semester. Officials are citing a record-high 38% transfer rate and a 95% desire of students to transfer into either Whitman or Newhouse.
“It’s gotten to the point where pretty much all of our students want to leave,” said one of the school’s deans, wishing to remain anonymous. “The English majors wish they were journalists, the economics majors wish they were business majors. The College of Arts and Sciences, I’m sad to say, is the wool sweater with a reindeer that your grandma gets you for Christmas. You’re always thinking about when you can get rid of it and put on something better.”
Most A & S students who were asked about their current major responded extremely similarly, various statements including, “Well, I’m in Arts and Sciences, but I really want to do Broadcast Journalism,” “I’m undecided, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll be in Whitman after my paperwork goes through, and, “I’m not even enrolled at SU, but I’m definitely going to Newhouse.”
Despite students’ unwavering optimism, Newhouse and Whitman faculty and current students are more realistic about transfers’ chances of enrollment in the more superior colleges. “One student who applied for the Newhouse School had a 1.7 GPA,” said Becky Stringer, who works for the Newhouse Admissions Department. “One hadn’t even graduated from high school!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure with Arts and Sciences disbanding that half of SU is going to be in university limbo,” said Whitman enrollee Tracy Feinberg. “There’s no way they’re getting into Whitman or Newhouse. They were in Arts and Sciences for a reason”¦”
Arts and Sciences students, instead of being outraged at the arrogance of Newhouse and Whitman students, are actually siding with them. “Yeah! Who do those stupid Arts and Science kids think they are!” asked Brian Granger. “They’ll never get into my school. Well”¦technically I’m still in Arts and Sciences, but I consider myself a Newhouse student. At least, I will be once my parole goes through.”