It’s just a known fact
that people attend football games more than any other sport here. Hence volleyball,
wrestling and other unattended sports are free to get into. I don’t know why,
maybe it’s the 300 pound brawny men wearing spandex, could be the excessive
amount of pre-gaming that occurs before the game starts or in my opinion, it’s
a bunch of girls that follow the trend of masculinity in hopes of impressing a
guy with their extensive knowledge of complete bullshit and random facts they
look up on the internet in hopes of getting a guy to actually like them, oh
wait.

I digress, the basketball
team at Mizzou has shown record low numbers in attendance at the last 7 games,
even though we are 7 ““ 0. Why do you ask? No one really knows. I assume that
the basketball coordinators are getting worried that the $75 million dollar
arena is only boasting on average6,685 fans for the past 4 home games. So, as I
am not an athletic director nor am I even a basketball fan, I can’t do shit to
get people to go to basketball games, hell, I don’t go to them. But never fear
athletic coordinators, I will share my top 6.5 ways to increase attendance and
save your asses in the long run.

1.)
Give out merlot in crystal glasses
- When you think about it, who
doesn’t like wine? It gets the college kids fucked up and parents drink it to
look fancy schmancy it’s a win, win. Drunk Kids=Louder Kids=More spirit

2.)
Replace the cheerleaders with strippers
- Who doesn’t love a good
strip tease? Oh, and instead of half time dunking contests give out free lap
dances. You could also include a mud-wrestling contest and whip cream in there
somehow.

3.) Charlie
Sheen rally
- Including tigers blood, goddesses and lots of cocaine. #Winning

4.) Flash
Rave
- Pass out molly at half time, turn on some Skrillex and turn the lights
down low. Assign someone in the crowd to say “Lets get naked!” and get it on.

5.) Ditch Truman, get a real tiger- Why does
Colorado get to have all the fun? Rent a living,
breathing tiger to walk around the court and offer free rides at post game. WHO DOESN’T WANT TO RIDE A TIGER?!

6.)
Sell “Green” foods
– Mizzou could sample cannabis Can o’ Corn,
marijuana arugula salads (Marugula!), mary-jane soaked Mary Janes, dank donuts
and the greenery Green Giant vegetable medley! Fit with some ganja nachos and a pot Powerade to wash it all down. Everyone will be too stoned to realize that
the tigers real and there could be some associated injuries, but hey you’ve
filled the seats!

6.5.) Midgets- ha

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