After compiling all the facts of the case and arresting
Christopher Kelly, who turned himself in after being caught on nearly every
single camera in the library (most of them catching detailed shots of his
facial features), Mizzou police have confirmed Kelly is completely nuts.
According the police report*, Kelly set 10 different fires
in the library using furniture polish as a means of spreading the fires. For
cheaper, one would think he could have simply used lighter fluid, but that just
would not be nearly as creative.
Additionally the report confirms that along with the fires,
Kelly vandalized a study desk and a printer. Police found human feces and urine
on the desk, and on a printer Kelly wrote “WELCOME TO THE BUNGHOLE””WE GOT FUN
AND GAMES” in black marker.
Not only are Kelly’s actions just plain gross, but also they
are just plain weird.
No motive has been established as to why Kelly broke into
the library, lit several ineffective fires, shit on a desk, and welcomed
everyone to the “bunghole,” but his friends, who remained anonymous, seemed to
know the answer.
The friends told police that when Kelly was drinking, he
enjoys looking for unlocked buildings and windows and entering them. They did
not give a reason why Kelly found this enjoyable.
Police confirmed that someone who enjoys getting drunk and
breaking into buildings with the intent to start fires, void his bowels on
random furniture, and badly paraphrase Guns N’ Roses songs all while being seen
by every camera in the building, is clearly classifiable as nuts.
*Author’s note: Though this story is written as a humorous
piece, all the facts from the case stated above are directly from the police
report. They are 100% true.
