Sitting alone is an art attempted by many, mastered by few. The SSS (Solo Seat Selection) is a dilemma facing our generation of awkward texters everywhere! So how does one sit alone and not be eaten alive? How can you avoid the state of a lone, defenseless guppy in a sea filled with barracudas?! (Barracudas eat guppies, right?) Read on, my socially uncomfortable friends, read on.
1. Be the predator of your education. Appear to be so academically driven that you have chosen to be alone out of pure intensity. You may have actually turned socialization down in favor of a quiet, chem-filled lunch period… In that case, you terrify me. Please go to your rightful place in the b-stacks.
2. Read books, people! Or don’t. Do what you will, but at least have a book in hand to put on an appearance of intellectual stimulation. Loners and books have a long history of friendship and intimacy (Matilda, Rory Gilmore, Thomas Jefferson, etc.). Don’t let the tradition die! The government invented books for two purposes: to provide an education-themed backdrop for high school portraits and to make people who eat lunch alone look busy.
3. Wear headphones. Music is an appropriate equivalent to book reading for the lesser nerd. To make yourself appear friendlier, perhaps bounce along to the beat of the song. Instead of thinking you are anti-social, passersby will see your great dance moves and assume that you’re into hip, fun music (like Beyonce!). Humming along is also recommended. Another plus is that you won’t hear the people laughing at you two tables over.
4. Take a nap. We’re in college! Embrace napping being somewhat societally acceptable while you still can! The stresses of your life have called upon you to take a break from your ever-filled social calendar and academic responsibilities. Just go to sleep! Never feel as though this is something you shouldn’t be doing alone. You should. Your body, your choice!!!!!!!
5. Cubicles! God bless library cubicles! Cubicles are a safe space. Their unique function is part of the contract we all signed with each other requiring that cubicles remain non-discriminatory, a haven for loners and cool people alike. Sometimes no one can even tell who is who! Never has sitting alone been such a breeze.
Don’t be shocked in the coming weeks as more and more of your friends opt to sit solo. As the group dwindles down, you may even need these tips yourself! The ultimate SSS challenge? All five. At the same time. Never have I ever envisioned something more socially awesome.
