Once a week has never been so satisfying.

Dear Weekly Sex,

Ever since getting
back from winter break, sex hasn’t really been the same with my partner. I
guess since we haven’t been together in a little while, it feels kind of
awkward. How can we bring back the spark?

– Feeling Off

Dear Mr./Miss Off,

I had an…
arguably similar experience last summer, except it was missing part of your
story and ended in a terrible fire. My advice to you, after having been
burned by this situation, is to make sure you talk out
the weirdness with each other. Chances are you’re just over-thinking things
because there’s been all this build-up to your reunion and you thought about
each other constantly but then you don’t know how to be around each other but
you still bought each other fun underwear as a half joke because you stupidly and incorrectly thought you were
going to lose your v….. ery old boring pair.

Bottom line,
communicating is the key to an excellent bedtime, I figure. After that, I
recommend reconnecting by doing some of your favorite things together, like
eating at a restaurant or going to the gym or the movies or Disneyland, or sex,
in that order. Plenty of time to digest. If I were you following this plan,
things would be back on in no time! “Things” being Grade A sex, not


Dear Feeling

Rekindling the
spark in a relationship is very easy. Make suits out of fuzzy fabric for yourself
and your girlfriend. Don them, then rub against each other. Static electricity
should take care of the rest — it always works for me.

Professor Pratt

Feeling Off,

I think you’re
just feeling stupid. The fact that you are having any troubles in bed at all
is something that just doesn’t make any logical sense, especially since it’s
with someone with whom you’ve already slept. Nothing’s changed down there.
It’s all the same mechanics. You’ve just had a little time off. I still know
how to poop in my own toilet after I come back from a business trip. It’s
exactly the same thing here, only that you are the poop in this metaphor and
your partner is the toilet. So just poop in that toilet. It’s natural, it’s
easy, and it’s pathetic that you can’t do it again. There’s no spark to be
reignited for there never was a lost spark to begin with. You just forgot how
to poop in the toilet. Well, either grow up or maybe find yourself a diaper.

Love & Kisses,


Feeling Off,

The spark is
there, you just need the right tools to find it! This is a great time to
explore some, uh, herbal remedies. Set up a romantic evening for your partner:
candles, rose petals, some Marvin Gaye, a fancy meal, and yes, a giant bowl of
cannabis. Just sneak it in there. If they give you a funny look, just laugh it
off like “how did THIS get here?” and then SMOKE that thing like
there’s no tomorrow. The non-awkward vibes will be flowing beautifully after
that, and your love (or not love, whatever) connection will be running smoothly

Good luck!


Feeling Off (Because Satan’s squatting in
your soul),

I see that you say “Partner” as opposed to
“Husband” or “Wife,” which means one of two things: You are not
married, or you’re a cowboy.

Either way you’ll be going to Hell.

I think you were thinking the right way when
you said “spark” as your best course of action is this: https://www.mayoclinic.com/health/electroconvulsive-therapy/MY00129.

Hope this has helped you.

Peace, Love, and Prayer,


So, Off –

If I’d ever been in anything long enough to know what losing the spark is, I think I’d embrace the opportunity for something new. It’s like you’re at the beginning all over again. Lean into it.

We don’t feel super comfortable with each other, sweetie – because we’re work acquaintances! And I’m wearing this pirate costume! My work is being a pirate! We’re pirate coworkers! How novel and racy. Let’s file this memo in the break room, yarrgh.

That’s just a jumping off point. Other classics include doctor/nurse/whatever, astronauts (who want to bone), pirate astronauts, pirate doctors, people who want to bone but are kind of uncomfortable around each other (in pirate hats).

Just like I always say: if anything cures awkwardness, it’s role playing. Yarrgh.


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