80 (but I promise, she doesn’t look a day over 21) / Female / Single?

2 hot & 2 smart 2 handle

Doheny enjoys long walks on the metaphorical beach, cuddling, and telling boys that she’d really like to “just be friends.” She’s completely out of your league and always will be, what with her sexy marble floors and beautiful oak tables. Not only does she look incredible for her age (literally, she’s ageless), but she holds more knowledge than you ever have a chance of attaining. She knows a lot about Cinema, East Asian Studies, and Music, along with more traditional academia.

She might be interested if… you’re studious and are okay with her playing hard to get

In college Doheny is… that really beautiful girl you want to date/be best friends with. The only problem is, she’s never around. Especially on weekends – she’s only free between 9 and 5 on Saturdays, what’s up with that?

In high school Doheny was… valedictorian, Most Likely to Succeed, prom queen – YOU KNOW THE TYPE (and you probably resented her for it)



18 / Female / (Wishes she weren’t) single

Poor girl is having an unfortunate Leavey Night

Leavey doesn’t even deserve a dating profile. You hate her.

 She might be interested if… you’re a breathing person

In college Leavey is… the friend whose hair you held back as she puked – the first week of freshman year. You proceeded to stop hanging out with her because with Leavey, it’s really not a give and take relationship. She sucks up your time like no one you’ve ever met. Leavey goes hard, pretty much 24/7. Shockingly, she’s only 18 – you’d guess she was at least in her late twenties based on her gross pink and teal color preferences. Also, she’s kind of a slut. Especially during finals… everyone has had an unfortunate night with Leavey.

In high school Leavey was… no one even thought about Leavey in high school. The only superlative she had a chance at getting was “Most Likely to Look Like She Belongs in the 80s.”


Mark Taper (Hall of Humanities)

??? / Male / In an open relationship



Everyone knows Mark! Mr. Taper loves the humanities – he’s been in an open relationship with various language departments for a while now. With his unintimidating exterior, Mark is definitely someone who makes a decent first impression.

He might be interested if… you frequent the language and/or writing center. We hear he finds that attractive.

In college Taper is… the average-looking, really welcoming guy you met first semester freshman year. He’s multilingual which makes him cool, but at the same time, you’ve gotten a little sick of him over the years. It’s almost like he knows too many people. Plus – his lack of hygiene is repulsive… have you seen his bathrooms?

In high school Taper was… friends with everyone



91 / M / Married

 Not only is Bovard intimidatingly good looking (he’s 91, wow!), but he’s also incredibly well connected. He’s hung out with everyone from the Dalai Lama to Joseph Gordon-Levitt to Spike Lee. Time with Bovard will rarely be dull – he’s always doing something interesting! Unfortunately for interested parties, Bovard’s only looking for friends right now: he’s been married to the administrative offices for years now.

 He might be interested if… sorry, he’s happily married! He does have his eye on Doheny though… but that’s probably just an innocent flirtation, he hasn’t made a move in the 80 years they’ve known each other.

In college Bovard is… the guy who always has something new and thought-provoking to do. He’s got a real knack for arts and humanities events in particular. Since he’s super busy, it might be hard for him to find time for you – but definitely try to hang out with him if you can.

In high school Bovard was… Bovard skipped high school.


Ground Zero

??? / F / Single, but interested in everyone


Naturally, GZ's picture is kind of artsy

Ground Zero is beyond cool. She not only has been going to Coachella since the year she was born, but she goes to every major musical festival every year. It takes most people a while to notice her – she tends to hide out behind a couple of dorms, but once you get to know Ground Zero, it’s hard to go without her. Especially once you taste the drinks she’s known for making: though she’s svelte as hell, Ground Zero makes a ridiculous milkshake. As she likes to joke, her milkshakes bring all the girls and boys to the yard.

She might be interested if… you pull off plaid and really like milkshakes

In college Ground Zero is… the girl who kind of tries to be too hip sometimes, but it works out so well for her that no one resents her for it. She’s funny (have you seen her comedy shows?), musically talented (have you seen the Pop Midterms/Finals?), and has a knack for setting mood lighting. You’re pretty sure she’s young, but you’re not quite sure how young.

In high school Ground Zero was… that girl who liked wearing thrift store clothing and talking about her record collection