it really is no surprise to boys, or even girls really, that girls do a
shitload of stuff that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, I now understand why
girls are total bitches once a month (mainly because they finally check out
their weight on a scale…you totally thought I was going to make a period
joke, didn’t you),  why they need to buy clothes in every color imaginable
even if that color looks terrible on them (they’re hoping they get
tan/pale/spray tanned/turn albino all of a sudden), and why they love terrible
television (because they’re dumb…no offense, but that’s really the only
reason anybody watches the bachelor). However, my rudimentary knowledge of
women gained from 7th grade health class and a pair of sisters can only take me
so far. Now, on to the 5 things…

1) Why, on a girl who is obviously
facially challenged (read: ugly/beat/looks like grendel), are there ever
comments like “so pretty” or “gorgeous” or “you look
hot, babe!”?

I have two guesses on
this one. #1 is that this picture is so good it raises them from being hideous
to someone you won’t start gagging on vomit when you see them. Like I can
understand the compliment “oh, you don’t make me want to be a blind person
like usual after looking at this particular photo of you”, but calling
them pretty is a step too far. #2 is that it’s a method of suicide prevention
for these girls, in which case kudos to you. But it still doesn’t make it true.

2) Why do girls always
notice the shoes other people are wearing?

First and foremost,
guys don’t give two shits about what shoes someone is wearing. For instance, I
like sneakers and fresh kicks in general, but I couldn’t tell you what kind of
shoes any of my friends wear. Meanwhile, every girl alive could walk around a
crowded street with naked people, dancing bears and people giving out free
jewelry and still be able to comment, “oh, I totally loved that girls’
shoes.” That shit makes zero sense.

3) Why do girls
sometimes defriend only an ex boyfriend on facebook upon a break-up, yet remain
friends with all of his friends even though she isn’t really friends with them
at all?

I can kind of
understand the defriending…girls think that they’re done with that asshole
and want to move on with their lives and whatnot. It has happened to me. But if
they’re cleaning house like that, shouldn’t they remove all of his other
friends? It’s not like friends of a guy will really go out of their way to
still be friends with the ex-gf, let alone talk to her if they weren’t friends
to begin with. Yet girls still do this all the time. My vote is for their
trying to send a message, but if any guy actually realizes this happened
somehow, then they just think the girl is a complete idiot.

4) Why do girls try to
hide the fact that they’re fat?

What’s up with this
whole ‘Love Your Body’ movement? It doesn’t matter how wide your shirt is/how
it only accentuates your ta-tas/how it hides the hips, guys still know that
you’re fat. We can’t tell exactly how fat (that’s why we put our hands on your
hips when we grind on you at a bar…jk, sort of), but it’s pretty obvious you
ain’t rocking a six pack under that trash bag. So spare us and yourself the
awkard intentionaly groping of the midsection disguised as some acceptable form
of touching and wear a regular shit. And I swear to God if any of you are
thinking ‘but it’s fashionable!’, it is not. Maternity clothes are never
fashionable, even if you’re pregnant (no offense pregnant women, but only
weirdos (not the baby daddy) find a random girl with a baby belly to be hot.

5) Why do girls ever
have a bush?

Seriously, that is
like kryptonite for a guy. Like literally, there is no reason unless you are
french or a hippie to have a bush, and in both cases no normal guy would ever
be attracted to you because you probably smell and flat out suck. To be honest,
if Natalie Portman was rocking an untamed bush down there, that would be a
deal-breaker for me. Like there’s nothing worse than seeing a pube forest when
you lift up a “babe’s” skirt. All of you need to ladyscape that shit
– there is never an excuse. Guys do it too, so step yo game up.

Now, you girls may be
thinking, “this smalls is a total douchebag!” Well, I am, so stop
thinking that. But seriously if any of you have actual answers to any of these
problems, please tell me because otherwise me and every other man will never ever