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November 30, 2011

World Record For Largest Number of Simultaneous Boners Set

Last night, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show had a very unexpected outcome: not only did they showcase their goods in a high profile setting, they set a dubious guiness world record for most erections occurring at one point in time. In a study conducted by Cornell’s Statistics Department early this morning, it was determined that... MORE »

November 18, 2011

Oakenshields Mexican Wednesday Leads to Shitocolypse

Central Campus’ only all-you can eat dining hall decided to have its first official Mexican Wednesday this week. This proved to be a terrible idea for Oakenshits because, well, if their chicken breast is the equivalent of a double dose of laxatives, imagine what their burritos will do.  “Yesterday was honestly the most horrifying thing... MORE »

November 4, 2011

Cornell Student Discovers DC++, Disappears From Face of Earth

John Jacobs used to be a mild-mannered Cornell freshman. He went to class, avoided trouble with school, and used condoms regularly. However, one day he had a problem set due and could not find a computer with MATLAB to use to finish his work. Just when he thought he was out of luck, one of... MORE »

October 28, 2011

Halloween At Cornell

In a study recently done by a renown Cornell professor (Dr Moss, most likely?), it has been proven that the discrepancy between mediocrity of looks at Cornell and sluttiness of a girls costume actually does not equate to more sex given (read: more whorish â‰   more put-out). One guy, sir Baby McDiaperton, said “I thought having... MORE »

October 13, 2011

OccupyWallStreet Movement Hits Ithaca

As OccupyWallStreet almost reaches it’s 5th week of protest and is prevalent in over 70 cities, notoriously liberal Ithaca has, of course, staged its own version of this protest in the downtown commons. And, seeing as there is no large financial organization to picket in the small town of Ithaca, protesters have taken to sitting... MORE »

September 28, 2011

Bringin Back The Beats

Hello again, basement followers. I apologize for being completely MIA for the past 5 months – however, I have a fairly good excuse. I was working a shitty ass job, making shit pay all summer, and have since been spending all of my meager salary on enjoying the last bit of sunlight, drinking, and awesomeness... MORE »

September 8, 2011

The End Is Nigh

With these recent rains that have been afflicting not only Cornell’s Campus, but all of Ithaca in general has been facing the grim reality that this may not be just the usually shithacating everyone is accustomed to. (‘I hope those ithacans get wiped out’, one Cornellian said. ‘Let’s be honest, all Ithaca offers is shitty... MORE »

August 27, 2011

5 questions for them ladies

Well, it really is no surprise to boys, or even girls really, that girls do a shitload of stuff that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, I now understand why girls are total bitches once a month (mainly because they finally check out their weight on a scale…you totally thought I was going to make... MORE »

August 26, 2011

Cornell Girls: Read

Welcome to Cornell! I’m sure you’ve already seen/heard about the lovely gentlemen driving around in their pick-up with a banner reading “Thank You For Your Daughters”! Regardless of whether you are potential hos-in-training or those ladies who still think their ladyparts should be saved until marriage, I can offer you some sage advice from the... MORE »