Students across the country have already begun emailing professors excuses for not attending classes this week, citing the effects of Hurricane Irene.
“How can I go to class at a time like this?” asked University of Texas sophomore Gary Willard. “It’s raining on the east coast, grocery stores are out of Funions. It’s madness!” Students as far west as Hawaii have begun the process of contacting professors in fear of the storm’s devastation.
Among the reasons for prematurely skipping class are: “My cousin lives in North Carolina and I’m really worried about him,” “I’m allergic to rain,” and “I died in the storm, but I sent this email before that happened, so I’ll see you next week.”
Students have also spurred a nationwide epidemic at all purveyors of alcohol. While a majority of the population has wasted time stocking up on canned goods, college students have completely wiped out the beer supply in all major supermarkets, which will inevitably lead to rioting in the rain-soaked streets.