You know how, when you were leaving and you and your friend were bawling in your white and blue room, he* said, “I’ll never forget you, man.” Well, he was lying. He already forgot you.
What about how, on the drive to Syracuse, he called just to talk about how you guys were going to open up a shop in your hometown of Ridgewood, New Jersey? Not gonna happen, because as soon as he gets to Mamaroneck State College, he’s going to realize two things: 1) that he has already forgotten his boring friend from home, and 2) he never liked you. Also, that he forgot a toothbrush.
“But, he promised,” you’re saying right now, holding back tears in the backseat of your parents 2004 Honda Pilot and pretending that the dust from I-81 is affecting your eyes. “He won’t forget me, we’re best friends!”
If you look carefully, though, you’ll notice that the only thing separating you from currently being best friends and formerly having been best friends is an apostrophe: “we’re best friends” can easily transform into (wait for it”¦.) “were best friends.”
So as you move into your third floor room in Flint, know that you might as well find a new friend on your floor. Because the one you left behind in Ridgewood has already moved on. And if you’re too stupid to see it now, you will over Thanksgiving break when he’s suddenly, “too busy” for his bro, even though you haven’t even asked him to do anything yet. And maybe you guys will play it off like everything’s normal for a while, telling that same story over and over about the time in Mrs. Madsen’s class in 4th grade when that nerd Jeremy farted so loud that the kindergarten class down the hall started to cry. But eventually, you’ll realize that he’s cheating on you with a new best friend at school. And you’ll come home one day to see them in bed together. Playing video games. Just like you used to do.
That cheating bastard really has forgotten you.
*If applicable, “she.”
(Editor’s note: this entire article can also apply to freshmen with long-distance relationships)
