For those of you old enough to remember (probably about 7 of
you) Air Orange became Air Orange X during 2006. Students were forced to
download software and install it on their computers, and Air Orange became,
effectively, obsolete.

The question that no one asked is: why?

The answer that no one provided (until now) is: because
(wait for it) of 9/11.

You may now find yourself asking, “What the fuck does 9/11
have to do with Syracuse in 2006?” And I find myself responding, “Everything,
you ignorant slut.”

As everyone knows, the Syracuse IT department is in a
perpetual state of being behind when it comes to technology. Just look at
MySlice, or look at SU Mail (if it’s ever in good enough condition for you to
be able to actually log on). When 9/11 happened, the IT department said to
itself (and I’m quoting here), “Shit, we should do something.”

And do something they did. Five years later.

They decided that they needed to keep track of possible
terrorist threats to come in Syracuse, NY (which, as everyone knows, is the
next logical attack point after NYC and D.C.) and so they launched Air Orange X
to monitor your every move, from e-mails to downloads to Facebook statuses.

The e-mail you sent to your buddy in DellPlain about
streaking through the quad on Wednesday night? They read it.

What about the one you sent to that girl you hooked up with,
the one where you’re nude? Yup.

Or the e-mail you get from your mom asking if you still have
diarrhea from the dining hall’s chicken supreme? Actually, they didn’t know
about that one, but they do now. Everyone does. Because I just told them a few
sentences ago. You’re welcome.

Now you may find yourself wondering, “But why do they care
what I’m doing? Other than a few illegal downloads, I don’t think I’ve”¦” and I
would interrupt you, “It doesn’t matter what you think! They’re onto you, and
you’re going down, buddy. Next stop: Askaban. Or Alcatraz, whichever one isn’t
from Harry Potter.”

So the next time you find yourself wondering why there are
two possibilities for a wireless network, stop wondering that. Because, while
they can’t run a network that won’t crash every four hours, or host a mail
server that doesn’t need maintenance every week
, they can read your thoughts.
And they’re onto you. Your best bet is to create your own wireless network and
use that, hoping and praying that they don’t find out. But they will. Because I
just told them about it. Busted.