On Friday, February 19, Kevin Ashton was turned away from Kimmel Dining Center because he was too fat.

Ashton approached Kimmel at approximately 1:35 a.m., prime time for Kimmel-goers. However, when he got to the entrance, security guards were in place, upholding the new policy that all guests to Kimmel are required to have the proper identification. Any student without an ID will be denied entry and sent home, and it was no different for Ashton.

A freshman that lives in Watson, Ashton says that he had the necessary identification but was still turned away. “I showed them my ID, and they just kept telling me that I wasn’t Kevin Ashton, that I didn’t match the picture. How do you prove to someone that you are who you say you are?”

Ashton blames the confusion on the fact that he has gained some weight since enrolling at SU. “Yeah, I definitely packed on the Freshman Fifty.”

When informed that the weight gain rumored to accompany a student’s freshman year was actually fifteen and not fifty, Ashton blushed and had no comment. One security guard, who chose to remain anonymous, had this to say about his actions: “Trust me. We did that kid a favor.”