Columbia Police released a report Sunday revealing a massive spike in Segway use by a new criminal gang over the past two years. The bi-wheeled bandits have ravaged the city’s streets for a little over 26 months, waging war on the men in blue, themselves motoring about upon Segways.
The gang has brought a level of crime the city had previously not seen in decades, with over two accounts of shoplifting and at least three hit-and-runs. Gangbangers and biker gangs alike are being put to shame by the new wave of Segway thugs.
“We’re creating a new class of criminal,” an unnamed member of the gang said. “We’re boosting our street cred, snappin’ necks and cashin’ checks while still benefiting the environment with our eco-friendly machines.”
The gang was allegedly enraged after Columbia Pictures released Paul Blart Mall Cop, a film that glorified the work of law enforcement on Segways. With their most recent crime sprees, the gang is shooting for a Segway-inspired rendition of The Town.
“We understand the gang’s motives, and we are doing everything in our power to put an end to this mania,” Chief of Police Kenneth Burton said. “We just hope this type of behavior doesn’t spread to the young people. I mean these guys are ruthless… They don’t even wear helmets on their vehicles.”
The department is responding by launching a new campaign, Segway to a Better Life,at Hickman High School, which aims to teach teenagers about traditional ways of crime. The program focuses on less embarrassing forms of crime, like armed robbery, assault, and drive-by shootings involving four-wheeled vehicles.
“We have enough crime to worry about as it is,” Burton added. “If we can steer the madness away from the dangers of an unstable vehicle like the Segway, I think we’ll all be able to breathe a little easier.”
Panic has risen amongst the public as the crime continues to rise. Before recent times, the only people ever caught dead upon a Segway were police officers and outcasts, but now it seems nobody can be trusted.
“If we can’t trust a man on a Segway, then who can we really trust?” one bystander said. “Certainly not the creator of Segways… He died using his.”