At least once every semester, the Mizzou campus becomes a buzz with the rumor that Brad Pitt is here just walking around. Everyone, mostly unattractive girls, runs to Twitter and Facebook to share their excitement with the world and say how they thought they saw him at the student center or at Shakespeare’s. They didn’t get a good look, but they’re pretty sure it’s him.

Brad Pitt is not here and Brad Pitt will never be here. What could Mizzou, or the entire state of Missouri for that matter, have to offer Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is constantly making movies which most of the time don’t take place in mid-Missouri. Brad Pitt currently is partially responsible for roughly forty seven adopted foreign children. Brad Pitt has no time is what I’m trying to say, and in the very limited amount of time that he does have, I would hope that he’s using it to fuck Angelina Jolie and not fly to the middle of a state filled with mostly corn and meth.

To anyone who would believe this rumor, I hope that Brad Pitt shows up to your house, punches you in the face and then spits on you. Then I hope you tweet it and call everyone you know and tell them, because no one will believe your stupid, made-up rumor, you asshole.