This Monday afternoon, Cornell campus police faced the unthinkable when they ran out of fresh Wegmans donuts. The police officers campus police were sitting in their parked cars near the intersection of College Avenue and Campus Road when they discovered that they had eaten all of their donuts.

“Well we were just sitting there minding our own business, when I reached in and saw the donuts were gone,” said one campus policeman who asked to remain anonymous. “That really ruined my morning so I decided to go out and ruin the day for a bunch of other people too, meow.”

The campus police, usually only active in preventing forcible touching cases, managed to piss off pretty much everyone who saw them on campus this week. As President Skorton, one of the 143 people who received a ticket remarked, “Get a real job.”

One “elderly” man who was cited for jaywalking was actually a ninja. As the Cornell Daily Sun reports, “When the officers tried to confront him with the citation, he starting swinging at the officers and went into a karate stance.” The ninja was later revealed to be Mr. Miyagi who was on campus for a special lecture on waxing on and waxing off.

The campus police informed every person they ticketed that these raids would not end until they were provided with donuts to make up for the other day as well as additional donuts in case they ran out again. After their demands are met they assured everyone that pedestrians would again be allowed to walk across the street as usual; without looking, ever, even if a car is about to run them over.