I’m in class right now. Would I rather be administering an enema to Santa after he ate all his Christmas cookies? Would I rather give Mrs. Claus a brazilian bikini wax? You decide.
(Hint: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes)
Enjoy this jingle while you cry into a textbook!
This week I have a lot of work. I am also creating the greatest article ever written for campus basement of all time in the history of the world ever. While you are waiting, please enjoy my KFM: C. Kthxbai. MORE »
It’s time for the last adderall binge push. One more round of finals season, and my 16 years of taking tests and writing papers will be over. After 16 years of schoolwork – yes I’m including elementary school, because multiplication tables were fucking hard – I should have finals studying down to a science. Honestly,... MORE »
Anyone with roommates knows the frustration of the A.M. Bathroom Shuffle. That smelly game of musical chairs where you want to take time for your morning ablutions, but you want to avoid the stench of the morning deuce that preceded yours. Sometimes, you lose this game. Sometimes, you have to brave the wild and lawless... MORE »
When the ladies of Disney were actually alive, a college degree was superfluous. I’m using the word superfluous because, unlike Ariel, I didn’t get married to a prince at 16 and I’m going to need to know big words to get a job. It’s not like I want to be a gold-digging, amphibious ho– but I’m just a little... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Cook this. Instead of consuming, wear it. 2. (For females) Go through menopause early. Use hot flashes to your advantage. 3. Become obese. Every step is... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! There are two days left in 2011. I’ve tried my best to sum up the other 363 days. I have sat in front of my computer... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Long before things like “tweeting” and “Kardashian”, there existed a Christmas tradition so fantastical that it almost hurts to write about it. After a long December... MORE »
Today I took two finals. Also, Kim Jon Il died. These events are unrelated, but this song will probably be enjoyed by both students in need of post-final christmas cheer, and deceased dictators. That’s all I have to say. I’m gonna study for another final now. #stabmeintheface. MORE »
Today, whilst working in the lovely new Science and Engineering Library with the overpriced-yet-delicious coffee, I didn’t see any mistletoe. I didn’t see any jolly bearded men with rosy cheeks and jiggly tummies. I didn’t see softly glowing lights, and gifts wrapped in festive and environmentally-unfriendly paper. I did see vomit, and poop, in the... MORE »
Here’s another one. You might remember these guys as the ones who sang that song that had a lot of fast singing and then “chickity china, the chinese chicken”. They also sang about the birth of Christ. Who knew? MORE »
This week I have a lot of work. I am also creating the greatest article ever written for campus basement of all time in the history of the world ever. While you are waiting, please enjoy my KFM: C. Kthxbai. MORE »
It’s time for the last adderall binge push. One more round of finals season, and my 16 years of taking tests and writing papers will be over. After 16 years of schoolwork – yes I’m including elementary school, because multiplication tables were fucking hard – I should have finals studying down to a science. Honestly,... MORE »
As a college student in the big city of New York, my life is a blur. Not because I am constantly drunk, but because I am so busy that each day never seems to slow down. With all of my Hulu watching and class skipping, how will I ever get enough minutes for dinner cooking,... MORE »
I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure college is expensive. After four years of paying for alcohol food, and for drugs dorms, and for hookers books, I am pretty much done giving my hard earned bucks to this institution. Instead of understanding my grievances, the school is asking that I shell out even more... MORE »
I’m not normally extravagant or glamorous. I steal packets of honey from coffee shops and eat them as a “balanced meal” on a regular basis. So my decision to spend my hard-earned money on an 11 day trek through Europe surprised even me. But spend it I did. While it was my Spring Break, and... MORE »
I love brackets. They are the parentheses’ ugly cousin. [They are the boxy, Khloe Kardashian to the sumptuous curves of the Kim Kardashian-like parenthesis) Want to know what bracket I’m not so keen on? The March Madness bracket. I grew up with the Lakers and the Clippers, people. I’ve seen professionals fight and whine like... MORE »
It’s almost spring break. That means many of you are almost at the airport, about to crack open a brand new Hustler Magazine copy of the newspaper and a KING SIZED SNICKERS bottle of water. While this is a civilized way to kill time, why not make a drunken fool of yourself instead? Campus Basement... MORE »
Anyone with roommates knows the frustration of the A.M. Bathroom Shuffle. That smelly game of musical chairs where you want to take time for your morning ablutions, but you want to avoid the stench of the morning deuce that preceded yours. Sometimes, you lose this game. Sometimes, you have to brave the wild and lawless... MORE »
So you’re sitting on the crapper. You’re trying to squeeze out all those Valentine’s Day candies you inhaled while watching BOTH Bridget Jones’ movies. You need a distraction. What better distraction than tales from the hood? Rappers have enticed us for years with stories of “going hard on a ho” and “sticky green” and “bling”.... MORE »
This is a belated Valentine’s Day gift. It’s not for you but you’ll probably enjoy it anyway. Happy 15th of February!!!! MORE »
Some people knit when they procrastinate. My roommate and I do this. KFM: C #3 We are going for some classic cheeses today. These are the kind of cheeses you’d probably take to prom or your grandma’s house or a church potluck. At the church potluck you’d probably also eat these cheeses. THAT’S HOW CLASSIC... MORE »
When the ladies of Disney were actually alive, a college degree was superfluous. I’m using the word superfluous because, unlike Ariel, I didn’t get married to a prince at 16 and I’m going to need to know big words to get a job. It’s not like I want to be a gold-digging, amphibious ho– but I’m just a little... MORE »
I don’t know if you know this, but Columbia has athletics. Just kidding – of all the student groups here, the athletes are the ones that could most likely beat me up. So I shouldn’t be mean. Until all the a capella groups form a huge, brass-knuckled alliance, I am going to report on sports... MORE »
If you ever doubted our intelligence, our drive, our maturity or our passion for learning – look no further. This is clearly the work of a student at one of the best universities in the world. MORE »
They say you should shoot for the moon, because if you miss you’ll land among the stars. Clearly whoever said this has no concept of physics. You will obviously just bypass the moon and hurtle into the dark recesses of space until you fizzle into a fried bit of nothing when you pass a burning... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Cook this. Instead of consuming, wear it. 2. (For females) Go through menopause early. Use hot flashes to your advantage. 3. Become obese. Every step is... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! There are two days left in 2011. I’ve tried my best to sum up the other 363 days. I have sat in front of my computer... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Long before things like “tweeting” and “Kardashian”, there existed a Christmas tradition so fantastical that it almost hurts to write about it. After a long December... MORE »
Today I took two finals. Also, Kim Jon Il died. These events are unrelated, but this song will probably be enjoyed by both students in need of post-final christmas cheer, and deceased dictators. That’s all I have to say. I’m gonna study for another final now. #stabmeintheface. MORE »
Today, whilst working in the lovely new Science and Engineering Library with the overpriced-yet-delicious coffee, I didn’t see any mistletoe. I didn’t see any jolly bearded men with rosy cheeks and jiggly tummies. I didn’t see softly glowing lights, and gifts wrapped in festive and environmentally-unfriendly paper. I did see vomit, and poop, in the... MORE »
