Anyone with roommates knows the frustration of the A.M.
Bathroom Shuffle. That smelly game of musical chairs where you want to take
time for your morning ablutions, but you want to avoid the stench of the
morning deuce that preceded yours.
Sometimes, you lose this game. Sometimes, you have to brave the wild and
lawless world of”¦ THE PUBLIC RESTROOM.

like North Korea, the PR is a world of ruthless people who just want relief.
They will knock on the door until their knuckles bleed, no matter how many
times you holler, “Someone is in here! For the love of God, someone is in
here!”. They will leave behind unspeakable and foul evidence of their deeds.
They will monopolize mirror space while you stand waiting to simply wash your
hands. They know you’re there. They still won’t move.

is where I come in[1]. I can offer
you tips and tricks, so you never have to deal with the Frontier of the PR.

Trick #1: Take the Public out of Public Restroom.

Two Words: Faculty Bathrooms. These private oases[2]
exist in almost every department on your campus. So do office hours. Pretend
you need to go to office hours for a professor that doesn’t exist. Faculty
Bathrooms are usually one-stalled caves of solitude. Furthermore, thanks to the
foresight of professors, FacBRooms often have air fresheners and stylish bowls
of potpourri at the ready. So walk in like you own the place, and make that
Faculty Bathroom your bitch.

Trick #2: Heighten the Public in Public Restroom.

It may seem counter intuitive, but sometimes the greater the
number of stalls, the greater the opportunity for anonymous sex
loaf-pinching. Visit a bathroom with no less than 5 stalls, during a period
between classes when the place is bumpin’. Is that rank smell from late-night
drinking and Indian food coming from your stall?[3]
Who knows[4],
it could be anyone.[5]

Tip # 3: The Oscar-Winning Act.

You’ve been in that awkward situation. You use a bathroom
just to tinkle, but someone dropped a grenade in there right before you. You
walk out, look embarrassed, try and get others to pity you because it definitely wasn’t you. You’ve played
the part of innocent by-poop-stander so many times, you’ve got the act down. So
take your time. Let loose your load. Then stand up, take a deep breath[6],
and get your humiliated face on. The next stall-goer won’t ever suspect you.
This move is especially effective when used in conjunction with Tip #2. Use
with Tip #1 at your own risk[7].

Tip #4: The Barista Blitzkrieg.

When all else fails, there is one haven. One place, present
on or near every campus, that caters to the needs of all students: Starbucks.

As a law, any Starbucks with a sit-down area must also have
a restroom. In all my travels and all my coffee drinking, never have I seen a
Starbucks with more than a single-stalled wonder. Privacy: Check. They are too
busy to ask if you are a customer. Anonymity: Check. But not so fast ““ you might
as well guzzle that latte! Coffee aids in moving one’s bowels. It’s like those
barista bastards planned it. So go ahead. Get that espresso. Get in that
bathroom. Get that party started.

DISCLAIMER: The BB is not an underground move. There is
often a line for Starbucks bathrooms. Most of the time it’s for a number one.
But do you have the balls to move that bathroom game to the next level?

These tips were created after many years of research. Yeah,
I know.

You’re welcome.

[1] Not
literally. I won’t barge into your stall. Unless I’m out of toilet paper”¦

[2] Is there a
plural of oasis? Is this right? Oases, cacti ““ WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

[3] Answer: yes.

[4] I do.

[5] But it was
definitely you.

[6] Wait,
scratch that. You just destroyed that stall. Hold your breath and/or mouth

[7] Those
professors and their secretaries are probably pros at the “act” ““ they’ve gotta
keep it up in their tiny office with their one stall. They Mama’s didn’t raise
no Poop Fools.

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