Last week, Columbia administrators banned the marching band from playing at the final football game of the year against Brown after band members altered the words of the fight song to “Who do we even try, we always lose, lose, lose.”
Now, however, it seems that administrators have changed their minds, repealing the band ban and deciding instead to bar the football team from playing at the Brown game.
“We looked into the matter and uncovered some astonishing statistics,” said M. Dianne Murphy. “Number one, we’re winless. Did not know that. Number two, Brown is better than we are. I know that because of the aforementioned Number One.”
Murphy’s investigations did not stop there, however. 
“I applied simple logic to our astute band’s observation. If we “If we even try, then we always lose,’ is true””which it is””then the contrapositive is also true. Therefore, if we don’t want to always lose, then we shouldn’t even try,” concluded Murphy. 
“Or whatever, I just don’t want to watch those ass clowns throw five picks again. The QB literally threw the ball straight into the ground at one point. Just straight down.”
Officials reportedly sent an email to the entire student body late last night, apologizing for acting irrationally last week and ensuring students that the band and its witty songs will be admitted to the stadium, while the football players would not be allowed to set foot on Kraft Field. The email also stated that the band will suit up and play against Brown instead.
“We still felt we needed to punish them for being disrespectful,” said President Bollinger. “Let them see how it feels to get demolished by a 250-pound linebacker, and they’ll beg to go back to trading stories about where they stuck their flutes in band camp.”
The football team’s punishment for yet another poor season will be a taste of their own medicine; they will be forced to sit in the stands and watch as Brown runs up and down the field against players who look like they’ve never touched a football in their lives.
“Our fans might not even notice a difference.”
Photo by Parker Michael Knight.
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